Ascension of the Queen
by Eduard Kassel
Summary: They thought it was over and done, but it had just begun! A botched exorcism sees Bowsette become a separate entity from Bowser, and one not willing to play second fiddle to the King. Thus she sets out on a journey to build her own evil empire and climb the villain charts to become Mario's greatest enemy, on a budget! BWAHAHA! The story of the queen's ascension. Cover art: Siansaar
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer_: I do not own the Mario Franchise. Nor did I create Bowsette; thank you Ayyk92 for the unexpected fun.

**Author's Note:** Nothing major here just a bit of comedy and prody for fun. Hope its fun for you too.

* * *

**Ascension of the Queen**

Chapter 1

_She Lives!?_

It started out innocently enough. Well, as innocently as any plot hatched between two suitors who had been rejected by their mutual crush. To be fair, suitor number two had suggested they get drinks as part of a plan to defuse things. But alas, booze and ranting saw him lend his support, and so a scheme was plotted, and hatched.

At first it just seemed good, if awkward, fun. True, it failed to achieve its main goal, as she saw through the ruse. But they decided to just have fun with this. Yet things had started to cease to be funny. The joke had gone on so long people began to question if this was a joke or real business. And the perpetrator, singular at this point, seemed undaunted or simply oblivious.

No hero was willing to touch this now. Literally or metaphorically. So it fell to the villains to make right this weirdness.

And it began with a cunning bait to lure the perpetrator into an ambush.

"Free donuts in the break room?! I didn't even know we had a national breakfast pastry day!" Bowsette cheered, running in her heels to the break room.

Bowsette kicked the door down, lips pulled back to reveal her sharp teeth, grinning at the thought of jelly-filled goodness. Then the tyrant of the Koopa Troop blinked, realizing two things. Her foster children and a representative, it seemed, from every branch of the Troop plus Kamek were seated in the break room. That was the first thing. The second…

"You mooks ate all the donuts!?" she roared, breathing fire.

"There never were any donuts, my liege," Kamek said. The Magikoopa wore his usual attire of blue wizard robe and hat, with round glasses that concealed his eyes, but he looked more weary than usual.

"Well if there's no jelly-filled, I'm out of here," she huffed. A Thwomp slammed down from above, making Bowsette jump as her tail was nearly smooshed.

"What's all this?" she demanded, crossing her arms under her chest. A gesture that reminded everyone just why they were here.

"Sire, this is an intervention. I read about it in a magazine in the little Magikoopa's room. This whole Super Crown thing has gone too far. We worked together and made a speech we think will let you understand how we all feel," Kamek explained. He waved his wand, and with a twinkle of magic, a scroll appeared for the mage to pluck out of the air. Tucking his wand up a sleeve of his robe, he unrolled the scroll and cleared his throat.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of- Gah!" he cried out, as a fireball engulfed the scroll.

"Hmph," Bowsette huffed, looking away with her nose up and eyes closed, "I don't need an intervention, I can quit Super Crowning whenever I want. Besides, I'm King, I can do what I want!"

"Plan B then. Tackle Their Majesty!" Kamek called out.

"Wha?" Bowsette said, before being dog-piled by the assortment of Koopa Troopas.

The pile convulsed as she struggled under it, until with a gasp her left arm burst out of the pile, followed by her head. Crown skewed but still on and her hair messed up, she was red-faced — from lack of breath or anger, it was hard to tell. Looking up as a pair of Koopa feet peeking out from under a blue robe came into view, she saw Kamek waving his wand with opalescent light coming from it.

"Not to worry, sire, this is the best exorcism spell I could cook up! It really packs a punch!" he declared, winding up for the casting.

"Uh, Kamek sir," A Hammer Brother said from his place in the pile, "Is this safe?"

"Don't worry, I'll be perfectly fine. Now, BEGONITSITOSBRR!" he declared, slinging the spell into his liege's face.

KABOOM

**X X X**

In the hills of Dark Land, a Koopa rock farmer turned his head as part of the royal castle's roof was blasted off. Fire didn't seem to be spreading, and a forlorn stream of smoke was rising he noted.

Shrugging, the Koopa adjusted his straw hat, picked up his sledge hammer, and resumed tending his rocky fields.

**X X X**

"That, was a good bit more *cough* than expected," Kamek said, waving away the smoke as the fumes ceased and dust settled. Squinting behind his glasses, he saw the pile of charred minions heave and then rise up and fall away.

King Bowser looked down at the royal Magikoopa, and he looked less pleased than usual.

"Sire, I-" he did not get the chance to finish, as a Bowser-sized fist hammered down on him like he was a nail. The fist drew back to reveal an unconscious Kamek with cracked glasses in a small crater.

"Don't do that again," the Koopa King commanded, dusting himself off. Whether it was addressed to them or not, the charred minions nodded.

"Say, where'd the Super Crown go?" Bowser asked no one in particular, patting the top of his head. The minions groaned.

Bowser shrugged.

"Eh, whatever, I think I'm tired of that anyway. Now get out of here and get me some fresh donuts," the Koopa King commanded.

"But all the donut shops closed hours ago, Your Scaliness," Ludwig remarked.

"I didn't ask for a reasonable excuse, I asked for a donut. You idiots seem to be forgetting who's the king around here!" Bowser growled, cracking his knuckles.

As Bowser reasserted the pecking order, some wondered if they had made a mistake. Others were glad, despite it all, that the exorcism had worked. And others only were bothered by the pain being painful.

But no one actually thought on Bowser's question. Where had the Super Crown gone?

**X X X**

The Super Crown lay where the blast had taken it, in a convenient ditch outside a Shell Station, glowing ominously with an opal aura. The eyes began to glow to match the aura, and it shook like a squirrel or something was trapped inside. A crack appeared, and a pale but leanly-muscled arm with black-painted fingernails popped out of the base of the crown. Muffled yelling was heard, and the hand formed a fist. And started beating on the crown, which started to fracture, leaking the bright light.

At last, a mighty blow was struck, and the Shell Station attendant looked up from his magazine as he sat by the dumpster, as the most colorful explosion in history swept all the litter around him away.

"Blast it, Kamek! You blasted me right out of my clothes!" A woman roared nearby. The Koopa put his magazine aside went to the front of the Shell Station and put up a poster on the glass door.

'20% Up on Ladies Shells, Today Only.'

Sometimes it really paid to be part of a card-carrying evil kingdom.

**X X X**

Bowsette was good and steamed, the fumes rising beyond her horns by the time she had walked back to the castle. Fortunately, she had also bought some water bottles; they had only been 10% up today.

The red lady's shell she was wearing hugged her curves a good bit, but it utterly failed to convey her regal power and awesomeness like a proper gown. Deciding she couldn't be seen wearing this, she would sneak into her own castle. Fortunately, Koopa rulers had for generations maintained a secret passage to bypass the moat, magic traps, and other cool dangerous stuff. After all, between enemy invasions and cheating on your diets, sometimes a ruler needed a quick and discrete way in and out of their own fortress.

The entrance was at the nearby unassuming rock formation. Bowestte inspected the gray rock face next to the sign that declared this "Unassuming Rock Formation Royal Landmark. NO LITTERING." and found the sweet spot, tapping it three times and activating the spell. All that remained now was to speak the secret pass phrase.

"Open up, it's me," Bowsette commanded. The king-sized door appeared and Bowsette cackled, ducking inside. Soon, Kamek would pay — after all, the passageway let out in his room. It had been the royal washroom back when the passage was built. Apparently one Koopa ruler recommissioned it as the quarters for the royal Magikoppa as a washroom was the perfect place for his chief magician's research.

The Queen cackled anew, only just now getting the burn that other Koopa ruler had pulled on someone.

**X X X**

Castle Bowser practically shook as the sovereign himself stomped through the halls grumbling in anger. King Bowser was not having a good day. First, there were no donuts after he was promised free ones. Then his minions disrespected him. And now, apparently a monster was beating up Kamek.

"No one beats up my magician but me!" Bowser growled, stomping down the corridor. Several Troopas and a few Goombas were clustered around Kamek's door. He could hear roaring; it sounded a bit girly, but who was he to judge?

"Sire-" One of the Koopas said, before Bowser swept him aside. Since he wan't fighting Mario, he might actually win this time! He wasn't delaying.

Then he stomped into the room and stopped, seeing he was the one beating up Kamek?

"Huhhh? Why am I over there, Kamek?" Bowser and Bowsette demanded of the bruised Magikoppa held in her claws in sync.

**X X X**

Soon enough, Bowser, Bowsette, 5 to 6 Koopalings and Bowser Junior were in the conference room, where Kamek was using a dry erase board to explain things, while everyone else drank coffee from styrofoam cups.

"And that is what happened. Bowsette, through no fault of mine, is her own entity now. While she has all of King Bowser's memories, and thus far his core personality, she was essentially born from the Super Crown," the bruised Magikoopa said, pointing to the part of the equation that showed his glowing wand plus the Super Crown equaling Bowsette, who was drawn flexing her arms and cackling.

"So, is she my momma now?" Bowser Junior asked.

"Er, more like an aunt, young prince," Kamek said. Bowsette hummed, tapping her chin and swinging her tail. She had changed out of her red shell into a spiky green shell and one of her black strapless gowns to complete the look.

"But I was his father and now I'm a girl. So, that does kind of make me his mother," she pointed out.

"I'm not marrying yah. You may be a lot like Peach in looks, but yer not nearly as cute and cuddly," Bowser stated, crossing his arms.

"So, she can be your sister and my momma?" Junior asked.

"Uh-" Kamek stuttered.

"Seems legit to me," Bowser nodded

"Alright then," Bowsette agreed. The two and a half royal Koopas fist-bumped, as Kamek hung his head in exasperation.

"Hey, you have all my memories?" Bowser asked.

"Yep," Bowsette said, giving a thumbs up.

"Er, don't tell anything about the thing, okay?" he asked with a drop of sweat running down the side of his face.

"Sure, as long as I get to also be King of the Koopas," she said with fang-filled smirk.

"WHAT?!"

"What? I'm not going to abdicate just because I'm a girl now!"

"There's only one King of the Koopas. Do you want a Rumble or something!?" Bowser threatened, getting out of his chair. He loomed over Bowsette, who glared back up at him, getting out of her own chair, baring her fangs and cracking her knuckles.

"Majesties!" Kamek called out. Which brought both angry royals' attention to him, making him seize up.

Koopa kingship was determined by wrestling matches, a Royal Rumble to Rule it All. While he was confident Bowser could win such a match again, Kamek was not sure. And any accord reached would likely mean her hanging around, as she was actually getting along wth Bowser, averting many cliches. One Bowser was hard enough to deal with, and he'd rather the Bowser he knew if he had to pick one.

Time for his decades of Bowser-handling experience to payoff!

"…We must consult Koopa Law!" Kamek declared.

With a wave of his wand, a large leather-bound book with a green shell illustrated on its cover with the word "Law" on it appeared, floating in the air. Kamek grabbed the book and turned his back to the assembled and flipped through the pages. Finding the right page, he quickly skimmed it, then rifled though his pockets.

"Anyone have a pen?" he asked. Lenny gave him one, earning the spiky-haired Koopaling a pat on the head.

*Scribble scribble scribble*

"Ah ha! Yes, it says right here, that there can only be one King at a time!" Kamek said, turning around and pointing to where the law was written in the margins of the page.

"Darn it," Bowsette cursed. Ludwig made to say something, but was knocked off his chair by a magic missile.

"And if Bowsette took the throne we'd have to relabel everything with Bowser's name on it," Iggy pointed out. That got a loud murmur of approval.

"So, it's settled. Bowser stays our one and only King," Kamek declared.

"Hey, what am I, a cracked shell?" Bowsette protested, crossing her arms under her chest.

"She could be Queen instead," Morton Koopa Jr. suggested. Kamek made to object, but then rubbed the bottom of his beak.

"I ain't marryin' her. Peach is the only girl for me," Bowser reiterated.

"Yea, and it'd be weird to marry myself, as I was him. Is there a word for that?" Bowsette asked.

Kamek was not answering, his back turned on the Koopas and scribbling away with Lenny's pen.

"Well, as long as she's my momma, I don't care," Bowser Junior insisted.

"Koopa law provides a guide for this," Kamek declared. Flipping the book around, he showed the law spelled out clearly around the chapter header for the Urban Zoning laws.

"The title Queen of the Koopas can be held by a royal Koopa not married to the King, but the said not-married-to-the-King Queen may not reside in the royal castle without forfeiting her titles."

"Now just a second!" Bowsette said, grabbing the book. One fang poking out from her lips, she read the law book, eyes narrowed as Bowser leaned to look over her head.

"Ah ha! Just as I thought!" Bowsette declared, stabbing the page with a finger. Bowser rumbled in agreement, eyes lifting to glare at Kamek. The Magikoopa sweated and rubbed his forehead with the sleeve of his robe.

"They missed a period!" Bowsette declared, Bowser nodding.

"…" Kamek stared as Bowsette snapped the book shut with a haughty smile. Bowser took it from her hands and brandished it at Kamek.

"Someone's not taking Koopa Law seriously enough. Kamek, force whoever writes this stuff to take grammar tests. Real hard ones," Bowser commanded.

"Any failures get turned into frogs," Bowsette suggested.

"I was going to say a pay cut, but frogs work," Bowser shrugged.

"Right, so Bowsette will be moving out as soon as possible," Kamek confirmed.

"But I want my momma around," the prince cried.

"She can visit on weekends. No, every other weekend you visit her," Kamek declared, vanishing the book of Koopa Law before he had to pen a novel worth of additions in the margins.

"You can take the dresses, they don't suit my figure without the crown anyway," Bowser said to Bowsette.

**X X X**

Kamek was busy with paperwork. His office was made for mystic works and a kitchenette so he didn't have to drop everything to have a decent meal. But sometimes he had to micromanage royal affairs himself to keep things on track. His additions to Koopa Law recently required this until the new editions got printed. That was not his order, but from His Majesty to fix glaring grammatical errors.

Well, it worked to the better of the Dark Land and Koopa Troop, he supposed.

Bowsette had foregone a coronation, wanting to keep an element of surprise to her new status; for a dramatic reveal, she said. And she had been thrilled at seeing her allowance from the treasury as Queen. Fortunately Bowser, and by extension her, had never bothered to check the budget. So she didn't know she was actually getting a pay cut with the new title.

She had taken it well that she'd need to get her own castle, staff, and Troop, which she had already called the Bowsette Troop. To help her get started, he'd already enlisted his son Lamek as her court wizard and advisor. It was the boy's own fault — he had graduated from college a year ago and hadn't gotten a job yet, waiting for the "right opening". Well, if he wasn't going to show initiative, he might as well follow in his father's footsteps, Kamek decided with a grin, dotting the last "i" that would seal his son's fate with the magical contract.

Putting a hand to his not easily seen ear, he listened. And chuckled when the distant scream of despair reached his ears.

Somedays, it was worth it to be the Royal Magikoopa and second-in-command of this kingdom of fools.

_Days Later, Morning:_

The morning mist was vanishing and the sun rising on another desolate day in the Dark Land as a small crowd assembled in the Castle Bowser courtyard.

"Lamek, looks like we're ready to roll," Bowsette said. The Queen of the Koopas hopped into the driver's cabin of the eighteen-wheeler, where Lamek was already buckled into the passenger seat. He was a shorter, unwrinkled version of his father, wearing a green robe. Same glasses though, Bowsette noted.

"It's pronounced 'Lamb'ek', Your Majesty, not 'Lame'ek'," he corrected, already sounding weary.

"Whatever, Lamek. My wardrobe is packed, the truck is fueled up, and we've got cash. What else is needed to take on the world?" she asked.

"A base of operations, independent income, a coherent plan of development, a structured organization-" he rattled off, pulling a clipboard from the glove compartment.

"Details, details. That's what I've got you for. I'm a big picture girl," she said, puling on a black trucker hat with the words "#1 Momma" written in gold on it. It was cut to slide on her head around the horns, and matched the black and gold gown she was wearing. In color scheme, at least.

"First, I'll burst onto the evil scene. Then I'll collaborate with Bowser, then usurp him as the best villain in Mario's roster! Bwahaha!" Bowsette cackled.

"Well, the world's certainly not prepared for you," Lamek admitted, as she rolled down the driver side window.

"I know, ain't it great?" she said, waving goodbye to Bowser, Junior, the Koopalings, Kamek, and assorted extra Koopas.

"Good luck Mama!" Junior called out.

"Show them even girl Bowser is still awesome!" Bowser yelled.

"Don't buy on the margin!"

"Mind the turns in that!"

"Always break for Bob-ombs!"

"Hot dogs, get yer hot dogs!"

Cackling while the others were distracted by cheap meat in a bun, Bowsette pulled the cord to honk the horn three times and floored the gas, tearing out of the Bowser courtyard in her Koopa-themed semi.

The Ascension of the Koopa Queen had begun.

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**Authors Note 2: _That was fun, hoe you enjoyed it. We actually have a back log on this story. iwas worling on it at the same time as Shadow of the Titans. This lower intensity project really helped with blocks. _**

_**It feels good to be doing silly work again. **_

_**Expect the next chapter up in about a week.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Mario Franchise or the Bowsette character/concept.

Betaed by: Zim'smostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 2

_O.C.S._

_Good Bad Help is Hard to Find_

"It really is true, truck stop pancakes are the best pancakes!" Bowsette said, skewering a whole pancake on her fork and shoving it in her mouth. Naturally it sent syrup dripping down her chin, but experience had taught her to tuck a napkin into her cleavage for just that purpose.

Lamek was disappointed with how quickly he had gotten used to what should have been an odd sight.

They were in a typical Dark Land truck stop. The air was thick with the smell of greasy food, burned coffee, the boasts and grunts of Koopa truckers and the sweaty smell of lost tourists consulting road maps in corner booths. They sat at the bar, the Magikoopa and the loud hybrid woman in a gown more fitting a palace than this place.

Lamek pushed aside his own plate, having already finished his mushroom burger. It was lunch time, after all. The Queen of the Koopas had been eating pancakes for the last three days straight, just because she could.

"Your Majesty, we have been trucking, as you say it, for a week now," he pointed out.

"That's right — nothing but the open road, motels, and cheap great food with atmospheres so thick you could 'em cut with a baseball bat," she said cheerily, picking up her syrup-drenched plate to start licking it clean.

"Shouldn't we be getting to that big picture you were talking about?" he pressed.

"Hey, inspiration doesn't just strike like that," she protested snapping her fingers to demonstrate. "Besides, I was kind of just born or something. Why shouldn't I take some me time before getting to work on my career? And besides, Lamek, you can just read while I drive."

"Not with you blowing that horn every ten minutes."

"Pfft, your dad has more spine in his books than you do. Learn to multitask already. Take me for example — Bowser plots the downfall of the Mushroom Kingdom, but he can still take time to go-kart with his sworn foes and future bride," she said imperiously, holding up one finger and closing her eyes. Then she started licking her plate again.

Lamek pushed his glasses back up his beak and tried again.

"Listen, Your Majesty, I know you have no financial motive to get serious. And it's clear you don't value my well being, or your own image. But surely you see the need to get serious because…" Lamek appealed, trailing off. Bowsette looked up from her sparkling clean plate to glance at the Magikoopa inquiringly.

"You… have no reason to take this seriously," he mournfully concluded. Giving a cute little burp, Bowsette patted her stomach and pulled out the napkin to dab her lips.

"Pay the lady, Lamek. Once I get back from making a deposit, we're hitting the road," she declared, getting up from her stool.

Lamek sighed and took the bill from the purple perm-crowned waitress Koopa, and began to count out the coins from his purse. As he tapped his claws to the music from the jukebox, waiting for change, two hands slammed down on the counter next to him.

"Lamek!" Bowsette shouted.

"It's Lamek!" he protested without thinking.

"Never mind that, to the pay phones!" Bowsette decreed. Grabbing him by his robe collar, she pulled him along so swiftly he didn't touch the ground as she rushed out of the truck stop. The waitress watched them go, and pocketed Lamek's change.

**X X X**

Lamek was busy staring into space, regretting so much, as they stood on the parking lot sidewalk by the payphone. Which was also next to a vending machine, with Bowsette snacking on a bag of chips as she leaned on the phone cowl, holding the phone in her other hand.

"So there I was, almost walking into the wrong bathroom, when I realized, I couldn't go into both at once. And it occurs to me that no one expects you to be two places at once! Following me so far? Good.

"So then, everyone thinks I'm still just you with the Super Crown on, right? So if Mario is chasing me, he won't suspect you're lying in wait, ready to strike the Mushroom Kingdom. The plan is, I attack, conquer, whatever, some kingdom faraway. Mario comes to try and stop me, thinking I'm you. With him gone, Peach will be defenseless so you can kidnap her, marry her, she'll see how awesome you are, and you two can live happily ever after. And Mario, dealing with me not realizing I'm not you, will lose because I'm not you. He'll never suspect. You get Peach, and I'll be hailed as the greatest villain the world has ever known. Bwahahahahahahaha!

"Heh, I knew you'd like it. Yes, yes, it is the perfect plan, isn't it? When? Er, I'll get back to you on that," Bowsette's chortling demeanor died as she was caught in her lack of preparation. Slamming the phone back into the cradle, she wheeled on Lamek, pointing dramatically.

"We need minions!"

**X X X**

"OCS?" Bowsette asked. The two were sitting in a corner booth in the truck stop, Lamek handing her a flyer.

"O.C.S. — Organized Criminal Services. They're a headhunter group for minions and such. We pay them and they round up minions in the number we want and our budget can afford for us to hire or reject," Lamek explained.

"Man, when I was Bowser I never had to go through all this," she grumbled.

"Because you inherited everything after winning a wrestling match."

"Yeah, it was a kickass Rumble," Bowsette mused, patting one of her biceps.

"Anyway, before we register with them, we should go over our assets. For personnel, it's just the two of us."

"And I am awesome," Bowsette slipped in.

"Right. And then we have your queenly stipend. And a semi-truck, that is full of your wardrobe."

"And assorted ladies stuff," she piped up.

"And, that. So that's what we have to work with going in."

"Well, there's also the flying fortress," Bowsette said, squinting as she tried to read the fine print on an artificial sweetener packet.

"Yes, tha-… What flying fortress?" Lamek asked, looking up from his clipboard.

_The next day:_

Bowsette stepped up to the door to the Size Epic storage unit and knelt down to grab the handle. Putting her legs into it, she jerked the door upward and sent the massive metal curtain door rising up with a flurry of clanks. Sunlight across the storage facility now entered the hangar-like unit, revealing a massive, rotored air vehicle, green in color, with its front painted to style a crocodile head, baring teeth.

"Where did this come from?" Lamek asked, head tilted up, taking it in.

"Bowser bought it off some loser Croc king who was having a bankruptcy sale. I got it that first night. While Kamek did his nerd stuff, me and Bowser stayed up late and played some Uno. We made it interesting with a little wager — I bet the last slice of pizza, he bet this old thing," Bowsette said.

"…Well, this is quite an asset," Lamek admitted as they walked into the unit.

"Maybe. It's been in there sitting for, what, three years? I mean, it will probably take a team of mechanics days just to see if it's skyworthy, then who knows how long before it can be up to snuff, and Bowser never really looked it over, so who knows if the Croc didn't take a bunch of stuff to parcel out or just poorly maintained it?"

Lamek stood stunned by the reasonable comment as Bowsette walked up and rapped a knuckle on the deflated tire of the ship's landing gear.

"You know stuff?" Lamek let slip.

"No, I know cool stuff," Bowsette clarified puffing out her chest in pride.

_Five Days Later, The Unstoppable Turtle Hotel, Shells City:_

Lamek checked his look, clipping a yellow bowtie onto his collar, looking into the mirror of the bathroom. It was his usual outfit recently pressed, his hat freshly washed, and his glasses back from the cleaner. Add the tie, and he thought he looked quite ready to take on anything.

"You're spiffy enough!" Bowsette declared, grabbing him by the scruff and tossing him out of the bed-haired Bowsette in a black nightgown pulled a rack of gowns, all in dark colors, and a suitcase labeled "cosmetics" in. Slamming the door shut on Lamek, she set to work while Lamek sighed.

"Just be ready by the time it's interview time for the forepeople. I'll handle the mass issue minions," he said.

"Yeah, whatever, I'll be done by the time you get to something important," she said. With a rev, something sounding like a belt sander came on, and Lamek made an exit.

**X X X**

"Testing, testing, four, five, and six. Good," Lamek said, tapping the microphone. Clearing his throat, he started to address the crowd.

"Thank you all for coming today, to this vague endeavor for uncertain goals from a client who wants to not disclose much for dramatic reasons," Lamek said, speaking into a mike as he stood at a podium addressing a crowd of Koopas, Goombas, Shy Guys, and the odd Thwomp. They filled up the hotel banquet hall, milling about and eating the last of the complimentary continental breakfast.

No Bob-ombs, though — the hotel had won that lawsuit, and the combustible ones were banned from the grounds. They'd just have to hold a separate job fair for them at an outdoor venue later.

"Now, if you will form into groups of five based on your category and form a single line…" he said, indicating to the one and only interview station.

_A Long Time Later:_

Willing his soul to not leave his body, Lamek crossed a final T on the personnel file and slumped back in the metal fold-out chair. His shell clanged, rousing him a bit. A stack of filled-out forms taller than he was was picked up by a rat man wearing an OCS uniform, taking them off to be filed.

"The higher-up position interviews will begin in one hour," the rat man said, hidden behind the stack. Checking his pocket watch, Lamek got up, popping his joints and making his way up to the room.

"Your Majesty, are you ready yet?" he asked opening the door. Only to see a snarling Bowsette in a gown sprawled across the couch with a wrestling magazine covering her face as she snored and mumbled.

"Smash Mario. Rahanaaana. Sssstupid plumber. Rhanaaaa- Wha!?" she muttered, as Lamek smacked her on top of the head with his wand.

"Time to build your empire," he told her, defusing the fireball in her mouth. She grinned, letting the smoke leak through her fangs.

The smoke, fangs, and flexing muscles, he had to admit, made an oddly intimating contrast with the sparkle she had given herself for the occasion.

**X X X**

Bowsette took her seat in a folding chair dramatically, put on a trucker hat reading BOSS, and clicked a pen.

"Let's begin," she growled. Lamek pressed an intercom button on the foldout table they were using.

"Number one," he spoke into it.

**X X X**

The two looked up from the resumes they were holding, exchanged glances, and shook their heads at the single Goomba wearing a cowboy hat before them.

"Not enough teamwork."

"Number 2!"

**X X X**

What was clearly at least four Shy Guys inside a trenchcoat stood before them.

"Too much teamwork!"

"Number 3."

**X X X**

Lamek pushed his glasses up his beak, looking over the papers thoughtfully.

"He's got impressive references," Lamek admitted. Bowsette nodded, taking a sip of water from her paper cup.

"Yeah, but he's so… prickly," Bowsette said, waving for the word.

"Right, it really doesn't fit the workplace culture we want. Sorry, better luck elsewhere," Lamek said to the potted cactus wearing a red tie.

**X X X**

"I am Shellhead!" a Toad wearing biker clothes who had styled his mushroom cap to look like a Koopa shell yelled.

"Wha?" Bowsette asked, tilting her head.

"I believe our sign says Toads need not apply," Lamek said.

"I'm not a Toad, I'm a Koopa on the inside!" Shellhead insisted.

"Uhhhh," Bowsette said.

"Oh, we don't have time for this, GOAWAYICUS!" he shouted, zapping the applicant out of sight.

**X X X**

"I am Courageous Koopa! Daring darer of the skies and bastion of honor amongst my malicious kin!" a winged Koopa with a red scarf and red pompadour said. He threw his scarf over his shoulder dramatically, with it somehow catching and blowing majestically in the wind, despite them being indoors.

"You do realize 'we' are your malicious kin," Bowsette said, pointing with a pen.

"Are you sure you have the right building?" Lamek asked.

"Yes! One does not just idly turn one's face. First I must be involved with an evil scheme. Then either be moved by the valor of the heroes or disgusted by evil employers to change sides at the dramatic moment to turn the tide. Usually releasing a prisoner, or sneakily handing them the perfect power-up to turn things around, or something. But until then, you will find me far more capable than your other minions, setting me up for protagonist level competence later."

BOOM

He fell onto his shell dramatically, charred by the fireball.

"That hairstyle is unforgivable. Next!" Bowsette called, smoke trailing from the corner of her mouth.

**X X X**

"Dr. Nitro! If it can be made, I can make it explode!" said an older Koopa with a few tufts of white hair, a lab coat, goggles covering his eyes, and a shell bolted together over cracks.

"Promising," Bowesette nodded.

The doctor smiled and poured himself a cup of water. It exploded.

"Next!" Lamek called.

**X X X**

"Hmm, interesting," Bowsette said, leaning across the table, squinting down at the applicant.

"Your application is quite unique," the Koopa Queen remarked, smiling.

"Uh, I think I may have the wrong room. I was applying for being a tax auditor," the Koopa in a suit and tie said, tugging nervously on the tie.

"Taxes? Now that's evil. I like the cut of your jib… Larry. You're hired," Bowsette declared.

"Well, it could be worse," Lamek said, stamping the application with the magical employment seal.

Larry gulped.

**X X X**

"I am Shellhead!"

"Go away!" Bowsette commanded.

**X X X**

"I am Shell!" a brawny, wide-faced Koopa with a short black mohawk declared, hitting his chest with a fist.

"So we see," Lamek remarked, looking over his application, "That might explain why you answered every question on the form with 'I am Shell'."

"Really? Dang, he did worse than me on a job application form," Bowsette whistled, leaning over to look at the form.

"Hahahaha! That's because you need to know only two things. I am Shell!"

…

…

"And I am tough!" Shell declared. Reaching into the duffle bag he had brought with him, he pulled out a baseball bat. And hit himself in the face with it. Then a second time, breaking it. Still he stood, undaunted.

"Is that all?" Bowsette huffed.

Shell pulled out three bowling balls and started juggling them. Sending all three raining down on his head, they bounced off his head and dented the floor. Yet he stood, undaunted.

"Is that all?"

Lamek squeaked as Shell lit a stick of dynamite then withdrew into his shell with it.

BOOM

Fire erupted from the shell. And Shell emerged to stand undaunted.

"*Yawn* Is that all?" Bowsette asked.

_Outside_:

Lamek and Bowsette stood in the back parking lot, looking up toward the roof of the hotel.

" I AMMMM SHEELLLLL!" Shell roared, plummeting down toward them head first. Pavement rippled, buckled, and broke under the impact. Lamek was sent tumbling back along with many cars, and Bowsette put a hand to her hat to keep it in place.

As the dust cleared, she watched as Shell stood in the crater, undaunted… Then, with a sound like an un-oiled door, he fell over, still holding his triumphant pose. There he laid. Daunted.

"Okay, you're hired!" Bowsette said, scribbling the news on a sticky note and pasting it to his forehead.

"What if he's dead, Your Highness?" Lamek asked, dusting himself off.

"Well, then he won't need a job, will he?" Bowsette pointed out, holding up her skirt as she delicately walked back through the wrecked parking lot.

**X X X**

"I'm Anger Koopa, and this my twin Rage Koopa. And you can send those losers behind us home, because we are the best of the lot bar none," the redheaded Koopa declared with a fangy grin. She was a Koopa with some human ancestry, that was clear from a look. The rare kind that had the additional height and the human shape to the body wrapped up in a Koopa package. Specifically, she had the figure of a trim young woman, with long red hair worn in rock 'n roll style, complete with red eyeshadow under her blue eyes. She had a good amount of muscle tone too, Bowsette noted, as Anger flexed her free arm, displaying just that.

Tucked under the other arm was a blue Koopa shell with twin red eyes visible looking out the headhole.

"Okay then," Lamek said skeptically, "What do you want out of this position?"

"Money and fame. Power too! I'd like to get my claws on some magic. The badass kind, not the kind you go to college to get. And the money, you can get a lot with money. And I want to be a star, people looking and saying that's me. Posters across rooms, magazine covers. Guys dreaming about me! I want the full package, and I'm ready to kick butt to get it!" Anger said, punching at the air like a boxer with her one free fist.

"Hmm. And you?" Bowsette asked, pointing her pen at the shell-dwelling Koopa. She also noticed Anger had a red shell.

"Yawn, my rage knows no bounds and my fury will freeze even mighty foes where they stand," Rage answered, so softly Bowsette and Lamek both had to lean forward.

"She has ice powers. And I have fire powers. We're a combo deal. But just because she's not just as awesome as I am doesn't mean she isn't great. We hatched from the same egg, after all. Freaked our parents out!" Anger said, holding the blue shell up like a trophy.

"Does she come out?" Lamek asked.

"Yes," Rage said, popping out of her shell. She waved lazily with one hand, still held up by her twin's hand pressed into her stomach. She seemed a bit slimmer than Anger, but a bit more curvy. Her hair was blue and cut in a pixie style. Her red eyes were half-lidded, like she was about to nod off.

"So, anything other than ice powers?" Bowsette asked. Rage flexed her tail, which Bowsette whistled at; it was much bigger than your average Koopa tail, almost as big as hers. It lacked spikes, but it started to glow with blue magic.

"I am a master of in-shell combat. I can propel myself with only my tail and freeze my foe without emerging from my shell."

"Mhm, and what is your goal in this organization?" Lamek asked.

"I have long desired King Bowser. I will prove myself greater wife material for the great and sexy Koopa King by defeating his foes, and showing up that spoiled royal Peach. I will marry him, lay many eggs, and our children shall conquer the world between them. And a beach house on Koopa Troopa Beach. That would be very nice," Rage said, with her same spacey tone. Anger coughed, seeming a bit embarrassed as she put her sister down on her feet.

"Uhhh," Lamek stuttered.

"Good beachfront property is hard to get," Bowsette agreed. Lamek nearly fell out of his chair whirling to look at her.

"You know, for twins, you don't really look alike?" Lamek remarked. They didn't have the common Koopa beaks; like the royal family, their faces were more crocodilian.

"What are you talking about, my hair matches her eyes," Anger said, pointing to her hair.

"And my eyes match her hair," Rage said, pointing at Anger's hair.

"Wow, you can hardly tell them apart. Lamek, we may need name tags, because these two are hired! Fire the rest, we're done here!" Bowsette decreed, kicking the table over.

"You can't fire someone you haven't hired, Your Majesty," Lamek pointed out

"I just did! Bwahahaha!" Bowsette cackled.

_The Next Day:_

"How could you not hire one engineer, or mechanic, or even an electrician!?" Bowsette ranted as she and Lamek walked down a metal-laden corridor of the sky fortress. They turned a corner to see a Koopa Troopa being electrocuted via his wrench. Bowsette whacked him clear with her tail as she passed, still fuming.

"I don't know. Isn't messing up on common sense your role?" Lamek asked.

"I know! You're supposed to be the suffering nerd to my too-awesome-to-care coolness who takes care of petty details like that. Don't mess up the dynamic!" Bowsette griped as they got to the bridge. Anger was kneeling in front of a floor panel, doing something with cables, while Rage sat by her, holding a toolbox.

"It's a mess. It's like an insane crocodile got drunk and designed it!" Anger declared.

"That's probably it. But we just need it to fly, not do tricks," Bowsette huffed.

"Does exploding count as a trick?" Rage asked.

Somewhere, something went boom in the ship. Bowsette face-palmed and gratefully accepted a cup of coffee offered by Shellhead. Then she spat out the coffee in surprise.

"You don't work here!" she screamed at Shellhead, and kicked him across the room. He smacked into the viewport, which didn't even crack.

"Well, at least that works," Lamek said, noting it on his clipboard.

"You're just lucky we used to be pilots boss," Anger remarked as she pulled an ancient-looking half-eaten sandwich out of the wiring.

"This could take awhile," Rage commented as the sandwich sprouted legs and attacked Lamek.

_One Costly Overhaul Later:_

"I can't believe I had to sell my truck!" Bowsette pouted as she and Lamek got out of the cab and walked across the pavement to the hangar.

"Well, it was either that or wait two weeks for your next stipend from the treasury. Besides, what do you need a semi for when you have a giant airship?" Lamek asked.

"You're just a guy who doesn't get why semis are awesome," Bowsette pouted further, crossing her arms and sticking out her lower lip.

"And you're impatient, Your Majesty. Anyway, that electrician we hired says it should be ready to fly. And if it doesn't it probably won't explode unless a hero starts breaking stuff. So all that's left is the paint job, which should be just about done," Lamek said, going through the paper on his clipboard.

"What the heck!?" Bowsette shouted as they entered the hangar and saw the sky fortress. The painting seemed to be done. Unfortunately.

The body of the vessel had been modified with extra armor in the shape of a spiked Koopa shell. That was fine. But the head part…

"I do not look like that!" Bowsette screamed, sparks flying from her fangs.

"Er," Lamek slipped. Usually, he knew situations like this had the likeness be accurate and the villain was angry because of denial over their unattractiveness. But while Bowsette was quite beautiful, for a hybrid, the head of their ship…

Well for one, it was still gator-shaped, so there was that. Also the coloring was clearly done with some kind of industrial scale spray paint with the lines being uneven. And it might have been they decided to try and make the expression angry as it was a warship? So yeah, it was a bit scary, but more in the fact they paid for it than intimidation. But he had seen the budget, and any delays would likely find ways for her to cause more trouble.

"Well, think of it this way. When people see that, and see you, you will look even more beautiful by comparison," he said, thinking fast.

Bowsette stopped, holding two fireballs in her hands. Looking thoughtful, she clenched her fists, putting the fire out.

"You're right. This abomination shall only serve to enhance my beauty when I emerge from it to wreck people! It's brilliant! Tell everyone I planned it that away! Bwahahaha!"

**X X X**

Bowsette took her seat in the bridge room throne, and fixed a black and gold captain's cap on her head, adorned with a gold Koopa skull Jolly Roger. Lamek stood beside her, and the strangely dual pilot stations were manned by Rage and Anger. The twins claimed experience in piloting weird stuff, and that was good enough for her. Lesser Koopas and a few Shy Guys hovered around the bridge, tending to stations whose function Bowsette had not concerned herself with.

She watched as Shell pushed the hangar doors open, running briskly after the first to get back to the center and repeat the process.

"Begin launch sequence! It's time for me to rise in glory! Bwahhahaha!" Bowsette cackled, throwing her hands wide and accidentally smacking Lamek in the nose.

_18 Minutes Later:_

Bowsette looked up from her Go-Kart All Stars Book with irritation, her tail tapping against the floor panels.

"Now?" she asked. Lamek sighed at the repeated question.

"Yes," Rage answered, pulling a lever.

"Really?!" Bowsette cheered, standing up, beaming.

"Engine's warmed up, turbines and rotors prepped. All personnel secured land side and aboard. All systems green as a Koopa shell!" Anger supplied, flicking switches and checking readouts.

"Alright! The Queen's Pride is ready to take the skies by storm! Onward, up, up and away!" Bowsette cheered, pumping one fist after another.

Slowly, quite slowly, the ship rolled clear of the hangar, and paused, the engines audibly growing stronger. Lamek lifted an eyebrow, as Bowsette kept pumping her fists, looking stubbornly determined. Finally, the sky fortress lifted off into the sky.

"Bwahaha!" Bowsette cheered, taking a small jump in joy as the ground receded in the viewports to reveal open skies.

"Nothing stands in our way now!" she declared, cackling maniacally and grabbing a standard Koopa to dance a quick little dance with before sending him off in a spin, yelling in panic.

"Right, so where are we going?" Anger asked, glancing back.

"…" the Queen's smile suddenly looked quite frail as her eye twitched.

**X X X**

BEEP BEEP BEEP

The Queen's Pride made the standard noise as it backed up into the hangar. A Koopa janitor watched the mighty vessel's undignified retreat and scratched his head under his cap at the ugly head. Shrugging, he pushed his bucket of brooms onward.

**X X X**

In her hangar office, Bowsette sat sprawled at her desk. Lamek tried not to look, as it seemed like at any moment parts of her would spill out of her gown in that position. He had just finished setting up a map of the known world on a board across from her.

"Okay then. So what would you like to conquer?" he asked politely.

"Rekhmafrackin," she grumbled, not even looking up.

"Well, how about we start with what you know?" Lamek suggested. That got her to peel herself partially off the desk, looking thoughtful. After a few moments of thinking, her expression lit up.

"Hmm, I got it!" Bowsette declared, springing to her feet and punching her palm.

"You'll never do anything with a five when it can be a ten, will you?" Lamek muttered as she cackled.

"I know how to invade the Mushroom Kingdom. We'll do that and kidnap Peach!" she declared, stabbing the Mushroom Kingdom space on the map with her index finger.

"Firstly, hasn't that been done many times?" Lamek pointed out.

"Exactly. Mario will never see that coming, this time," Bowsette declared, wringing her hands menacingly while grinning.

"Hasn't it always failed?" he pressed,

"It worked fine until it didn't!" Bowsette defended, looming over him.

"And wasn't the so-called Big Plan to draw Mario away from the Mushroom Kingdom, all so Bowser could kidnap Peach instead?" Lamek reminded her.

"…Darn it! I have been thwarted by my own brilliance," Bowsette pouted, sitting back down.

"Maybe we should start small? Manageable acts of evil, like bank robbery or real estate scams? I have heard good things about bad time shares whose values don't actually increase over time," he suggested.

"Ahhh, but I'm Queen Bowsette. There's nothing small about me, and I don't do anything small," she whined.

"Well, if you want this to work-"

"Your plan is bad, deal with it! I'm going to make a deposit in the little queen's room. Come up with something better by the time I get back. Don't make me start an opinion poll with the minions, Lamek," she ordered, grabbing the newspaper and swooping through the door labeled with the Super Crown.

Lamek sighed.

Sooner than expected, Lamek heard a flush, and Bowsette burst back into the office, toilet paper trailing from her left shoe.

"I've got it! Hats!" Bowsette declared, holding up the front page. 'LEGENDARY LAND OF HATS DISCOVERED! No relation to Cappy' it read, showing an island country divided into six provinces below the headline.

"The long-rumored land where magical hat magic first originated has been found. A civilization based around haberdashery! Can you believe it?!" she asked Lamek, shoving the paper in his face.

"I can't believe you know the word haberdashery."

"It's perfect — not only is it far enough away from the Mushroom Kingdom to lure Mario away, but as I was born from a magical hat and Bowser's most awesome qualities, so shall my star of villainy arise in the Land of Hats. It's thematically brilliant!"

"But starting small…" Lamek objected.

"Gather intelligence! Formulate a plan for my glorious conquest! I need to read this article and prepare a speed to my army! Bwahahaha!" Bowsette said, bursting back into the Queen's room to read.

"Hmm, make your strategy, eh?" Lamek muttered, rubbing his chin. A smile spread across his beak, and he pushed his glasses back up to his eyes.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Well there you have it another chapter in the story of the Queen's rise. She has the army she has the awesome prop from another franchise, and she has a bunch of O.C.S. originated bosses to do her will!  
_

_And now she has a target! Can anything stop her downpour of evil upon an unsuspecting land of hats!?_

_FIND OUT ON THE NEXT CHAPTER OF ASCENSION OF THE QUEEN!_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, Bowsette, any other game franchise properties or the Gulf of Mexico.

Betaed by: Zim'smostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 3

_The Plan!_

_The Destroyer of Morales_

The core team had gathered in the officers mess of the_ Queen's Pride_, seated around the table and under the gaze of the yet-to-be-painted-over mural of the crocodile king painted on the ceiling. Armed with a pointy stick and a dry erase board, Lamek was ready to address Bowsette and the Bosses with his master strategy.

"So step one, we covertly invade, no one the wiser," he said, pointing to a picture of a Koopa Troopa wearing a cowboy hat and handlebar mustache.

"Subtle, no one will expect it," Bowsette agreed, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Second, Her Majesty, in disguise, will commit several criminal acts to break her enemies' morale and learn their weaknesses." This picture showed Bowsette wearing a cowboy hat and mustache giving a generic fellow a wedgie.

"Step Three, you take over the Land of Hats," Lamek said, pointing to the final step. Which was just Bowsette laughing, wearing neither a cowboy hat nor a mustache.

"Brilliant! Why couldn't your dad ever get to the point this quick?" Bowsette asked.

"Um, aren't we missing some steps there- GAH" Larry spoke up, with his hand raised, before being blasted with a magic missile. Everyone looked at Lamek, who cleared his throat as he waved away the smoke from the spell.

"Umm, he spoke out of turn?" Lamek offered.

"Never mind that, set this glorious plan in motion! Soon it shall be the day rued by Mario! Bwahahahaha!" Bowsette cackled.

"…" Rage sipped her coffee as they all looked at the Queen.

"Well?! Get to work!" Bowsette commanded, kicking the table over.

_Days Later:_

The_ Queen's Pride_ soared through the skies, cutting through clouds and leaving a fan trail of exhaust in its wake. The blue sea below stretched far and wide, but at last land appeared on the horizon, mountains starting to make themselves clear.

"We have visual, New Continent, Land of Hats. Terminal Zero, verifying exact location with long distance sensors," Rage announced.

"Terminal Two, engaging cloaking device and radar scrambler," Anger followed up, hitting switches.

"Bwahahaha! So it begins. Soon they will know me. Then they will fear. Then they will hand over their loot. And then-" Bowsette cackled on her throne.

"Before they know you, we need to lay low. Since you insisted on departing before we had time to learn anything more than the newspaper said, we don't know too much about the people here," Lamek stated.

"Yeah, they could be like spider people who ride around on bigger spiders!" Shell shouted from where he stood, not doing much of anything.

"Or what their GDP is," Larry added.

"Fine! We play it sneaky and according to plan. Rage, find us a good landing zone that is both secluded and dramatically appropriate to the arrival of the new woe of this land!" Bowsette commanded.

"I'm not landing it in a swamp. It's very bad to sink into the ground," Anger grimaced. Rage nodded and sighed.

"Is that backstory foreshadowing?" Lamek asked.

"Kind of. But that's a past life we'd rather not talk about it," Anger muttered. She flinched as a black high-heeled shoe struck her head.

"Hey, don't kill my mood! You, minion, retrieve my shoe," Bowsette barked.

"Anyway, that flight was a real gas guzzler. We're almost out of gas," Rage remarked, tapping the fuel gauge, which was on P, which the legend designated as PANIC.

**X X X**

Anything not secured was blown away as the massive vessel descended from the sky. Its landing gear deployed, striking down onto the country road and into the surrounding farmer's field it was smooshing.

Bowsette hopped out of a hatch and ran over to the gas station. Grabbing the diesel nozzle, she began to run back to the ship. She stopped at the sight of a ruffled old man with thick glasses, watching her from the station porch.

"Nothing suspicious here! Just a normal law-abiding lady refueling her doom airship!" she told him, before resuming her sprint.

"I knew things would get weird with all these new fangled foreigners," he groused, pulling out a fresh piece of straw to chew on and grumble.

**X X X**

The _Queen's Pride_ lowered into the spooky hollow, Shell still hauling away the last of the trees he had cleared. With a mighty pop, the airship touched down on the mossy soil, with grass stubs struggling through it.

A hatch swung open, and steel stairs folded down to crush a dramatically convenient wildflower. Bowsette emerged into sight and took a deep breath. She had traded her gown ensemble in for a trench coat slightly unbuttoned, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and a cap reading LAW ABIDER.

"Alright Bowsette Troop, time to get out there and get sneaky! Bawhahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, as other hatches opened, letting Koopa Troopas wearing different hats and fake mustaches march forth, scattering toward the towns and roads in the distance.

Bowsette reached the ground, followed by Lamek, who with a tap of his wand turned into a human version of himself in a suit. Behind him came Shell, wearing a muscle shirt and blonde toupee. Then Anger, wearing a sundress and sunglasses, and carrying Rage in her shell.

**X X X**

Bowsette popped out of the bush, adjusting her binoculars, taking in the province of Straw Hat Hills. Watching as farmers with straw hats went about their tending of the summer fields of wheat, soy beans, and delicious corn.

"Wow, not giant spider people at all," she remarked, before writing that down in her notepad, which she stuck back in her chest compartment.

The people of the Land of Hats, it seemed, were about the size of Mario, maybe a bit shorter? Nah, definitely shorter, she decided jotting that down. But they were so very scrawny, she thought, switching back to the binoculars. It was like sticks attached to a slightly thicker stick with a melon on top! And big feet on the shorter sticks in place of legs.

She watched one scrawny farmer struggle to not get swung by his own hoe. Snickering, Bowsette pondered what she was sneaking around for. This place was practically begging her to grab it by the legs and shake it 'til the lunch money fell out. Then the farmer put on a straw farmer hat and, with a poof of smoke, swelled up to broad-shouldered, lean muscleness, and started swinging that hoe like a pro, sending weeds flying from his field.

"Wow, nice hat," Bowsette said, tracking the farmer's progress until a wall of straw filled her vision. Lowering the binoculars' view revealed an oversized forehead with a unibrow seemingly imminent. Frowning, Bowsette lowered the binoculars to face the hatted farmer in front of her.

"Good day, Miss! Looking for the Farmer's Market?" he asked. Though he dared not meet her eyes, she noticed, pleased that his eyes were downcast.

"No," she said, standing up to her full height.

"Dang! Guess they grow everything big where you come from! You sure about the market? We got corn!" he said, whipping out an unshucked ear of corn.

**X X X**

Bowsette and the Bosses were chowing down on corn on the cob as Lamek and Larry reviewed the still inbound spy reports. And Rage was delicately eating her corn with slow, measured bits.

"This corn is great!" Bowsette declared.

"Yes, well done securing a supply line," Lamek said, not looking up from the paperwork.

"Yeah, they'd never suspect an evil invader having a daily delivery account with a Farmer's Market! Soon they will regret every radish!" Bowsette proclaimed.

"Yes, what was your excuse to the delivery truck again?" Lamek asked sarcastically.

"Well, with the uniforms, and super doom fortress, I just told him it was a scouts thing. We actually got five percent off for that! Hahaha! My scam is flawless and a cover story!" Bowsette proclaimed, raising a corn-filled fist in triumph.

**X X X**

"Stupid taxis," Bowsette grumbled, hunched over to fit in the local-sized taxi, with Lamek seated next to her.

"It was the quickest way to get to the big city, Your Majesty, as you refused to ride on my broom," Lamek remarked.

"Hey, wearing a trenchcoat flying like that is a bad idea. Besides, all these little guys running around, there are bound to be perverted little men among them."

"You could wear pants," he pointed out.

"Ha! I don't even own a pair of pants," Bowsette declared proudly, giving a thumbs up.

"Anyway, we have a map of the city and a copy of their legal code. So the plan is, while I compile intelligence at the cafes and coffee shops today, you begin your campaign to break their morale with low-level crimes," he said, as the cab reached an intersection. Fedora City spread around them, a thriving metropolis with people flying about in winged hats, advertisements rife with hat puns. And people of many colors and clothes, but all of the same body type, going about their busy lives.

"Right then, first, I'll stick you with the cab fare!" Bowsette declared, darting from the cab, cackling. Her escape was cut short by a car pulling up in the next lane. After a moment's hesitation, she reached down and flipped the car back, clearing her path. Smoothing out her trenchcoat, she cackled and ran on.

"You just ditched her and made her think it was her idea, right?" the cabbie asked, glancing back.

"Can you blame me?" Lamek asked.

"Yes, yes I do. I can't even get a date, and that was a fine-looking exotic woman there."

"Hmm, don't mind the tail, horns, and clear villainy?"

"Hey pal, this is the big city. Don't ask and don't judge, or you'll not get far."

"TIME TO BE SNEAKY!" Bowsette yelled somewhere.

**X X X**

"Hmm, my very presence is a disruption of public order," Bowsette noted, walking down the sidewalk and drawing looks from the locals who didn't even come up to her waist.

"Hmm, Lamek said to start small. Undermine their confidence in everyday life… Aha!" she exclaimed, spotting a hot dog stand at the corner, the Hatian running it wearing a magical vendor's hat.

"Hey!" she said, stepping elegantly up to him.

"What'll ya have?" the vendor asked, tongs at the ready.

"Your largest dog in the best bun with all your most expensive toppings. And make it two!" she ordered.

A crime and a meal; her evil was so efficient it would scare her if she wasn't so badass, she told herself, closing her eyes and savoring the moment. And that smell, that was good hot dog smell.

"Leviathan specials," the vendor said, snapping her from her evil and hot dog reverie. Indeed, a pair of foot-and-a-half longs nearly drooping under every topping known to Koopas were being held out to her. Giving a fang-filled smile, she took the bread-bound sausages.

"Oh wait, it seems my hands are full. Bwahahaha!" she cackled, dashing with her dining.

"Well, that's the most excited I've ever seen anyone about National Free Hotdog Day. Takes all kinds," he said, smiling fondly when the strange woman stopped barely half a block away and swooned over a bite of his hot dogs. Moments like that made it all worthwhile, he thought.

**X X X**

Sitting on a park bench by a fountain shaped like a top hat, Bowsette frowned, looking through a brochure.

"This is harder than I expected. As Bowser, I focused on the big stuff — take over the country, take over the world, kidnapping, out-partying Mario and ruling in every go-kart race. How can I cause havoc with little stuff?" she pondered. Normally she had toadies to delegate thinking on stuff like this too. Well, maybe Bowser couldn't do it, but-

"Oh! I do know an expert!" Bowsette realized.

**X X X**

Bowser Jr. was in his room, playing the same level in Koopa Smash Cousins IV for the fifth time. He grumbled at the cheap level design; he could have beaten it already if he was willing to sacrifice the red bird. But he wasn't. But he was willing to throw the controller at the TV.

Grumbling, he laid back on his beanbag chair and looked the room over. It was cluttered with all manner of things a Koopa lad might enjoy, and a corner was dedicated to his painting.

"Maaan. When's Mama going to be ready to fight Mario so we can do some fun stuff?" he whined. Then the phone on his nightstand rang.

"This better not be another sales call. I already own all the bridges in Sarasland!" he grumbled, lumbering over to the phone.

"Junior, glad to get ahold of you!" Bowsette said over the phone.

"Mama! Are you ready to kick Mario's butt?" he cheered.

"No. But I could use your help. If you wanted to cause trouble for adults while still keeping it 'small time', what would you do?" she asked.

**X X X**

"Okay then," Bowsette said, exiting the park and smiling, with her tail wagging happily. She checked off 'make a mess' from the list, "That litter should cover it."

"Hmm, bug them?" she muttered, tapping the next item listed with the butt of her pen. Looking around the city street, she noticed people avoiding a ragged man holding a sign declaring "THROW DOWN YOUR HATS!". He did seem to be running off the crowd with his rant. But she needed a sign. Slipping up behind the guy, she whistled a tune lightly, and punched him on top of the head.

"Yow!" they both yelled out.

"What is your head?!" she demanded, grabbing his sign board.

"I drink lots of milk," he muttered.

"Well, there!" Bowsette said, hitting him over the head with the sign. That pushed it over into knocking the guy out, but left her holding only a broken sign.

"Well darn it," she muttered, tossing it away and walking off.

**X X X**

"Bwahahaha! This is sure to bring the city to its knees. I have learned a lot of things cost money, and this big ole city must be expensive! So to deny them revenue will destroy their very society!" Bowsette cackled as she put another quarter in the parking meter. What had been a mere two minutes to ticket became thirty-two!

The meter maid gave her a flat look. Bowsette stuck out her tongue and ran to check the next meter.

**X X X**

Bowsette ran down the sidewalk in high heels, clutching a wallet. It turned out picking pockets was hard when you had to squat down to reach other people's pockets. And it made blending into the crowd that much harder, she thought, glancing back at the bob police-hatted cops chasing her, blowing whistles. But she had cunning on her side. Turning a corner sharply, she reached into her front hammer space, pulling out her emergency disguise.

When the police rounded the corner, they only spared a glance at the tall lovely lady wearing non-sunglasses, a mustache, and a straw hat. They were looking for someone who wasn't wearing those things, after all.

"Bwahahaha!" Bowsette said, twirling the mustache.

"Ohh, that does make the evil laugh different. I can see why Wario does it," she piped up, taking the cash from the wallet and tossing it aside.

**X X X**

The birds were singing. Little League was playing in the park, trees and flowers swaying the breeze. The fat kid was practically salivating as he unwrapped his candy bar. A picturesque day at a city park.

Then Bowsette snatched the chocolate from the kid and horked it down.

"Edmund! What did I say about sneaking sweets! Thank you, miss, for helping with his diet," the boy's mother said, wearing a shirt that said "coach".

"Huh," Bowsette said, as the boy was the one to get admonished. She frowned as the kid was dragged off by the ear and wiped the chocolate from her lips with the back of her hand.

She pulled a pocket watch out of her purse, checking the time and noting the dipping sun as the city started to shift gears. Tucking the purse back into her hammer space, she rummaged around for something else. Ignoring pedestrians watching her, Bowsette noted an impressively big and dignified-looking building.

"Well, time for this day of terror for the city to come to an end… WITH A BANG!" she declared, pulling out a Bob-omb.

"BWAHAHA!"

*BOBOMBOBOOM*

As the building collapsed under its own weight, Bowsette hiked up her trenchcoat and practically skipped away triumphantly, failing to notice the KEEP OUT DEMOLITION SITE sign.

XXX

"WHAT?!" Bowsette screamed, her fiery breath setting her newspaper on fire. Larry handed her his so she could crumple it in outrage while she tossed the burned piece of newspaper she still held onto at Lamek.

She was taking brunch with the Bosses of her troop in the sky fortress mess. A poster of her glorious self was covering most of the mural of the former alligator king painted on the ceiling.

"Friend or foe?! Bizarre mix of kindness and delinquency? Opinions vary!? The front page story is on a new flavor of ice cream! What's wrong with these people?! They should be quaking in fear of my evil!" Bowsette said, swinging the newspaper to whack Lamek on the head with the backswing.

"Well, we spent the whole day at the day spa and didn't pay a cent at the end. And we didn't get our names in the paper," Anger remarked, sadly biting a piece of bacon. Rage's shell sat on top of her already clean plate, snores emitting from it.

"I am Shell! And I busted trees in the countryside. Pretty sure I traumatized some teenagers!" Shell said, pounding the table with his fist. Which made Anger's coffee cup fly up and spill its contents on her head. Spitting fire, the Koopa woman leapt onto Shell, who was knocked on his back as he tried to fend the firebreather off.

"Umm, I got brochures and a list of budget dining options," Larry said as the battle raged behind him.

"Well I-" Lamek began, rubbing his snout before Bowsette bopped him right on the hat.

"What did I say that sounded like 'how was your day yesterday'?! This is about me! Their morale is not in tatters; I'm not sure it's even scuffed at this point. What else could I do without being big and loud to make them fear me as well they should?!" Bowsette bemoaned. She planted her face in the table and groaned.

"Your day planner, Your Majesty," Shellhead said, putting the notebook into her hands.

"How'd you get here?" Larry asked as Shellhead started to walk off.

"I am Shellhead!" Shellhead answered. Bowsette whacked him with her tail, sending him slamming into the wall.

"You still don't work here," Bowsette grumbled, flipping though the book.

"I take it you are going to rush out and try to establish yourself as a villain with little thought?" Lamek asked. He, Larry, and Bowsette picked up their plates and drinks as Shell tossed Anger, sending her sliding across the table. Rage, however, was knocked off the table and started ricocheting around the room, knocking Lamek right off his chair.

"Nah, it's a mother-son weekend. You guys do what you want for now," Bowsette said, grabbing Rage's shell before it hit her in the back of the head. Rage's head popped out and the rest of her followed, letting her clothesline Shell as he charged past her. Bowsette dropped her employee without comment, and got up from the table.

"I'll pick this up Monday. Junior has years worth of mother-son stuff he's going to try and burn through in two days. I don't need sleep anyway," she said, stretching.

"Ahh, that's sweet. I am Shell!" Shell said from his spot on the floor, as the twins started to kick him while he was down.

"Well, he's my kid, of course I'm sweet to him. I have a tender and loving black heart of evil," Bowsette said with a proud smirk as she picked up Shellhead and carried him to the porthole. Which she opened and tossed him out of.

He and everyone else in the room screamed as the wind roared, sucking them out. Bowsette just held her Best Momma cap in place while frowning at the open porthole. Then Shell slammed into it, plugging the hole quite thoroughly and generating an embarrassing suction noise.

"Well, that was weird. The ship's on the ground right now. Meh, I'm sure they'll be okay — evil's like a refried extra bean burrito with scorned lover hot sauce poured on it. It only seems to go down, and then rises again with fury."

"I am SHELL!" Shell said, pounding a fist onto his chest. Which might have been impressive if he wasn't upside down.

"Sure you are. I'm going to go pick up Junior at the airport. You Bosses can do whatever you like to advance the cause. But you'll report to me when I get back. SO NO SLACKING!" Bowsette shouted, before ducking out of the empty room, leaving Shell stuck to the wall.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Sorry its so late. Hope it was entertaining anyway. Next episode we have weekend hijinks as Bowsetre bonds with Junior and her quirky squad performs unsupervised activities!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own Mario, the Mario franchise, the Bowsette concept or any other videogames referenced herein.

_Betaed by:_ Zim'smostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 4

_The Weekend!_

_During Which Stuff Happens!_

After resolving the wind incident, Lamek had gathered all the Bosses in the ship's conference room. Once everyone had their coffee and donuts, they were ready to listen to him.

"Alright everyone, Her Majesty is occupied for the weekend and will be staying in the city. While the troops will be held in reserve, we Bosses shall explore further ways to undermine this land for the Queen of our Troop. I myself will be seeking to infiltrate the Municipal Guild of Ancient Wizards, the largest magic guild outside the royal government here. Understanding the magic practiced here, perhaps how their hat magic works, could prove invaluable. And the rest of you, what have you planned?" he asked the others.

"I'm going to the beach. The strongest gather there to get pumped. I will see if any are worthy, for I am Shell!" Shell declared.

"…I suppose that is acceptable," Lamek sighed.

"We are heading into the city," Anger announced. Rage was out of her shell for once, sitting next to her twin, and nodded.

"We heard rumors about mind-altering hats, and want to see if they are true," Rage continued.

"Yes, as a danger or an asset we need to know more. Very good. Larry?" Lamek pressed on.

"I'm going to try and use some of the coupons. Some nice bulk bargains here. And with the nice weather, this brochure strongly recommends I take a carriage ride through Haberdasher Park," Larry reported, holding up a coupon book and brochure.

"Pick me up some Crisper Bars if they have any."

"I am Shellhead, and I will seek out the dark forbidden secrets of this land for the glory of our Queen and the greater good of EVIL!" Shellhead shouted, waving his hand so it could be seem over the far edge of the table.

"You don't work here. Please go away. Alright then, that seems to be everything. Just try and be back by Monday, and kindly don't blow whatever cover we have left," Lamek said with a sigh.

**X X X**

Shell ignored the feeling of sand between his scaley toes as he made his way down the beach. Swim Cap Coast had very beachy beaches in his opinion, and he had pumped on a lot of sand in his time.

Everyone was so small, though, his view was only obstructed by umbrellas. He ignored the onlookers, seeing his goal, an area only sectioned off by wooden rail beams set in the sand, leaving anyone with a step to make able to enter it. To enter the pain and glory!

The muscle beach, with weights and benches spread put for a good stretch, and the tiny locals pumped iron under the sun and beside the surf. Shell stepped into it and grinned; they may be ripped but still, they were small, he thought.

"Wow, how many reps can you do?" a random exercise enthusiast asked.

"I will show you, for I am Shell!" the burly Koopa said. Grabbing the largest barbell he saw from another bench, Shell began to perform reps.

_Meanwhile in the Forest:_

With a thunderous groan, a majestic redwood plummeted to the forest floor.

"Timber!" Bowsette and Junior yelled as it fell. The impact shook the ground, and Bowsette reached into the pocket of the overall style skirt she was wearing with a plaid shirt.

"Okay, mother-son lumberjacking done," Bowsette said, checking that item off the list.

"That was awesome!" Junior cheered, tossing his axe into the air.

"Yes it was! Now let's see… Hmm, not sure where we could get a biplane fully armed on such short notice. Oh!" She said, grabbing the falling axe before it could hit her head.

"How about this one?" she asked, showing Junior an activity on the list as she planted the axe in the stump.

"Those sharks better watch out for my momma!" he said proudly, brandishing a fist. Bowsette bumped the fist and grinned.

"We'll rent some boxing gloves on our way to the beach. And seafood for lunch afterwards!" she said, giving a thumbs up.

**X X X**

In a dark room, a single plain wooden chair sat under a spotlight. From the darkness came a voice.

"An outsider seeks to join our ancient and glorious guild. Behold the Chair of the First Test. Let the truth of his magery be revealed!"

Lamek's wand lit up, revealing him in the dark, and with a few words and twirl of the wand he fired off a ball of magic that struck the chair. With a flash of light, the chair was gone and replaced with large but somewhat cheap-looking vase.

"How's that?" Lamek asked.

"Er, you were supposed to sit on it while we quizzed you on basic magic lore," the mysterious voice said.

"Oh," Lamek said in the dark.

"Shall we fetch the back-up Chair of the First Test, Dave?" a less mysterious voice asked.

"Don't call me Dave when we are being mysterious!" the mysterious voice chastised.

"Should I step out for bit?" Lamek asked.

"No, no. Hmm, let's just call this a pass on the first test, as you clearly understand magic. But before you move on, you must answer one vital question," the mysterious voice proclaimed. The other voice might have snickered.

"What is it?" Lamek asked.

"Are you wearing underpants?" the mysterious voice asked.

Lamek had a sinking feeling as he nodded.

**X X X**

Bowsette strode out of the surf onto the beach, dragging a large shark with a handlebar mustache after her.

"*Whew* that was something," Bowsette said, pulling off a boxing glove with her teeth. Pulling off the swim cap she was wearing, she shook out her hair. Looking around, she narrowed her eyes while shielding then from the sun.

"Hmm, seems I lost Junior. To the snack shack rendezvous point then!" Bowsette declared. Then she stopped, noticing a detail of her surroundings.

"Shell?" she asked the big Koopa doing reps near her with a small audience watching him.

"Boss!" he answered.

"What are you doing?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Reps!" he bellowed.

"…Okay," Bowsette shrugged, dragging her prey off toward the meet-up point.

**X X X**

Anger stood on the sidewalk, keeping guard on her sister with arms crossed. Rage was on the corner next to her, standing atop a wooden box and holding up a cardboard sign with the message "Seeking Information On Mind-Altering Hats. Please Share." written on it in bold black lettering.

"You sure this is going to work?" Anger asked.

"These people seem very straightforward in general," Rage replied, "The simplest solution is therefore no doubt the best."

"Well, if we are going for the simple solution," Anger chuckled, grinning. Cracking her knuckles, she grabbed the most important-looking pedestrian in reach and held him up to eye level by his tie.

"Hey pal! Tell me everything you know about mind-altering hats and no one gets hurt!" she threatened.

_Shortly:_

"Well, the bail isn't that bad. They bought my excuse of it being performance art. So you're currently being held on lack of a license and failure to get volunteer consent for improv theatre. Apparently improv theater has a very lengthy legal category here," Rage said, flipping through her copy of the legal documents. She was sitting on a bench next to the barred door to the cell Anger was fuming in.

"How come the boss can blow stuff up and not get arrested and this happens to me?" Anger growled, sitting on the cot.

"Seeing as these people are at least human-like, probably because they find her hot," Rage said, highlighting the bail amount with a yellow marker.

"I'd like to see if her flames are hotter than mine," Anger said, snapping her fingers. Nothing happened, so she kept snapping them, until Rage tapped on a sign just inside the cell on the wall. A wand crossed out.

"Apparently not all the magic is hats. And you know I wasn't referring to temperature. I was referring to physical traits and the positive response they elicit in others," Rage said wearily.

"I know that, Wondergirl! I'm trying to keep a lid on things! Bad enough they blindsided me with that sleeping cap. You gotta get me out of here," Anger said, grabbing the bars and pressing her muzzle against them.

Rage patted the back of Anger's hand with her free hand.

"Yes, you do not take confined spaces as well as I do. And I surmise you don't want me to go to the others for help and expose your defeat?" Rage said.

"Yeah, you got it," Anger pouted. Rage patted the other Koopa's red mane and turned to go.

"I will acquire the money before the weekend is out," she said with firm conviction.

**X X X**

A circle of dark-robed figures stood on the beach, around an X drawn in the sand. They murmured excitedly as a claw broke through the surface, slightly off center of the X. Wearing only goggles and green trunks, Lamek pulled himself out of the sand.

"The Third Test, HAS BEEN PASSED!" The seriously-voiced figure proclaimed.

"How many tests are there?" Lamek asked, dusting sand off himself.

"Well, he just failed the patience test. That will be tallied into your score," the mysterious guy huffed.

"When did we add-?" another figure asked.

"Onward to the Fourth Test! To the textile warehouse district!"

As they filed off the beach, Lamek paused, squinting down the beach.

"Shell?" he wondered at the figure doing reps further down the coast. Shrugging his shoulders, he carried on.

_Meanwhile at Buy N' Bulk Mart:_

Larry pulled the mighty load of supplies on the bulk cart clear of the aisles and stopped, wiping sweat from his brow and removing his green visor hat to fan himself with. Under the florescent lights beating down from the distant ceiling, he checked his list for a third time. With his coupons, plus the gift card from the mail, he should be able to get all of this for free.

"Are you smiling, young turtle?" a creepy old lady wearing a red bandana on her head and a gold bead necklace cackled next to him.

"Yes, and it's not easy with a beak," Larry answered.

"Oh, poor naive child. The greatest hurdles of your journey lie ahead! Behold the vastness of the checkout aisles. Legend says that in the ancient days in which this place first opened, all of them were opened and they numbered three hundred. Yet now you must seek one of only three ever open at any one time! Inconveniencing is upon you! CREHAHAHAHA!" the old lady cackled, putting on a witch hat and disappearing in a puff of smoke. As the old lady's coughing fit followed him, Larry picked left and started walking.

**X X X**

As the sun began to rise, Shell continued to do reps. Yet he caught sight of a familiar figure walking past him, eating a blue ice cream cone.

"Rage?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered, turning to see him and walking over as a pair of locals wearing fedoras and hauling cameras and stools passed her.

"Why are you wearing that?" he asked, gesturing to her one piece with his chin as he continued to lift.

"Red is my favorite color."

"But you don't wear clothes."

"It's for a photoshoot. Why are you doing reps at dawn?" she answered, tugging at a strap on her shoulders.

"I AM SHELL!" he answered.

"Hmm, you want a lick?" she asked, holding out the ice cream.

"No! That is unsanitary. I am Shell!" he denied.

"Okay," she said with a shrug and walked away.

**X X X**

"But it says on the package 'not for consumption'," Lamek said, gesturing to the wrapping he was holding. He once again stood in a darkened room with a spotlight on him, holding a non-edible item freshly unwrapped.

"Do thou wish to join this ancient and mysterious guild or not?" the mysterious voice called.

"'Doth', you need to say 'doth' if you use the 'thou'," another new voice said.

"Oh, well, thank you autocorrect for killing the mood! Will you be doing anything else without being asked?"

"Hey, he's just trying to help! No need to bite his head off!"

"Besides, is it even legal to make him eat that? We don't want a repeat of the duct tape lawsuit, after all."

"Yeah, after that we couldn't afford seafood Friday for over a year."

"Let's just make him eat something he hates."

Lamek tossed the non-edible away as he forlornly listened to the argument go around with what seemed like at least ten people.

** X X X**

Anger lay on the bunk of her cell, snoring inside her shell as the sun warmed it.

"So we have turtle people now," a bored guard said, looking in.

"Guess so," an older guard said, standing next to him sipping coffee from a mug.

"Neat," Guard number 1 remarked.

"Guess so," Guard number 2 repeated.

**X X X**

Larry stood in the aisle, the number sixteen over the register shining like a beacon of hope as the last indecisive customer in front of him checked out. The acne-faced teen employee held up a scanner and scanned Larry's first coupon. A deep horn blared, and the glowing number turned red.

"Oh, looks like you'll need to see the manager for this one," the employee said, their voice cracking at every word.

As Larry watched, a dust devil blew down the nearest aisle and swung around behind the counter, sending the teen hurtling away screaming. As the wind died down and the dust settled, it revealed a Hattian. He wore a well-worn brown cowboy hat and a tan leather vest over a light blue shirt, with a tin star reading "manager" buttoned to the vest. Twitching his handlebar mustache, he pulled a hand scanner out of his belt holster and scanned the coupon.

"Sorry, partner. All super saver deluxe coupons have to be used at the Coupon Checkout Lane. Thataway, as far west as the store goes. Good luck to ya!" the manager said, tipping his hat and vanishing into the dust devil once more.

With a sigh, Larry started pushing the load back out of the checkout aisle.

**X X X**

It was bright and sunny in Roadside Park, and a crowd clad in fine county fair attire cheered the word "Go" over and over again. Then broke into a cheer.

"A new record time! I present our new Miss Flapjack!" the official said. Bowsette's eyes crossed, and she wavered in her chair as the last syrup-drenched plate was taken away from the table she sat at. She gave Junior a thumbs up as a gold medal with a stack of pancakes engraved on it was hung around her neck. Eyes rolling back, she fell out of the chair.

The applause continued as someone called for an ambulance.

**X X X**

"This is the secret library!? But I read all this back in Wizard 108!" Lamek shouted, slamming a spell book shut.

"Wow, you got into 108?" one of the robed figures standing in the book-lined den asked. Lamek glared through his glasses at the figure seated at the table.

"I thought you are an ancient wizard guild!"

"We are, but these last centuries most wizards when they make it big work for the government or the corporations. Or go full independent because they don't like paying dues. And most of the cool old stuff we lost to The New Guild of Ancient Wizards when they seceded over a dress code dispute a hundred and twenty years back."

"…Are any of you wizards?" Lamek asked.

"Well, we are more a magic appreciation society these days. Or we were until you came along! Just sign here and we can get you a gold-class membership from the start. That will get you ten percent off all purchases at most major store chains and 15% off at major booksellers."

Gritting his beak, Lamek waved his wand and chanted a spell. Magic shot out of his wand, sending smoke rising into the air. With a huff, he stormed out of the room, leaving a bunch of frogs sitting in mysterious-looking robes.

"We'll put him down as a maybe," the frog at the table said.

**X X X**

At last, Larry reached the Coupon Checkout aisle. First he had to answer the modern guardian's riddle before its axes would rise, letting him pass in safety. It turned out the answer was three. Next he had to resist the temptations of overpriced snacks and magazines of dubious factuality! Then get past the less overpriced but still not a bargain tasty drinks. WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE HIPPOGRIFF. And at last, Larry came face to face with the final barrier. She was old, nearly deaf, half-blind, and only three weeks from retirement. Her name tag identified her as: SUSAN.

"Sorry turtle, we only accept coupons on the 15th, 23rd, 8th, and 32nd. On all other days, it's just a regular checkout aisle. ZEHAHAHAHAHA!" she cackled, pulling a string on her hat to make lightning flash and thunder roar.

Larry pointed to the calendar hanging from the register. Which read the 15th.

…

"Well played, customer. Well played," she growled as he began scanning his purchases.

And thus, Larry from Accounting left the store to applause! Applause from not only customers given hope by his great victory but the shades of customers gone before him come forth to witness the long foretold day! Huzzah huzzah, they cheered for Larry!

And Larry, having exited the store, tried to remember where he had parked.

**X X X**

*BOOM*

Soda cans went flying, crashing against the ground. As Junior whooped and pedestrians looked on from the sidewalk, Bowsette walked out of the dust cloud as it cleared, revealing the crushed soda machine. Pulling out her notebook, she checked off an item.

"Suplex a soda machine so hard it explodes. Check!" she proclaimed.

"You're the best, Momma!" Junior cheered, grabbing her hands.

"Of course I am, it says so on my hat. Hmm, let's head to my ship, Junior. You can get a tour in before we have brunch and get you to the airport. And I need to see if those knuckleheads accomplished anything. Remember when you're king, Junior, if you don't remind them who's boss, there's no telling what pointless silliness your minions will get up to," she advised as they walked off while police sirens sounded in the distance.

**X X X**

"Cut it a bit close, didn't you?" Anger said, getting out of the taxi. She was carrying bags labeled "Big and Bold" in her hands, and wearing a stylish unbuttoned denim jacket. Rage emerged with her own bags, wearing a red turtleneck.

"Well, the agency tried to pay everything in clothes. I had to freeze them before they agreed. Then had to unfreeze them with a hairdryer so they could sign the check," Rage said.

"You got all this and they still paid you?" Anger asked as they walked up the stairs to the ship.

"No one here is tall; a clothing line targeting tall people was very economically unsound. After meeting me, they are going to try an export market. I told them we work for a queen, so they think we are celebrities."

"Well, she'll be a real queen soon enough," Anger said, dumping her bags on the hapless Koopa Troopa guarding the entry to the sky fortress.

"Still no progress on mind-altering hats, though," Rage grumbled as she followed Anger's lead, dumping her clothes bags onto the Troopa.

"Eh, we have time. Better get to the meeting," the redheaded Koopa remarked, stretching her arms.

**X X X**

"PATHETIC!" Bowsette roared at the Bosses gathered around the table. Fire shot out, setting Shell on fire before the wind of the yelling blew it out. He didn't seem to notice. "The only one who succeeded in his mission was Larry! And Larry, why does the receipt say we purchased a hundred pounds of vegan blubber?!"

"It was a bargain, not taking advantage would have just been leaving money on the table," Larry quietly defended himself

"Yes, money not spent buying something we don't want or need! And Shell, what were you even doing all weekend?!" Bowsette demanded, pointing a finger at the buff Koopa.

"Reps," Shell answered.

"How many reps did you do?" Bowsette muttered, facepalming.

"All of them," he answered.

…

…

"If I wanted to do nothing, I'd just do it myself. I hired you all to do things, and this is the thanks I get? You're making me look like a chump in front of my son!" she said. She pointed to Bowser Junior, who was busy painting a picture of Bowsette stepping on a tiny Mario on a piece of paper.

"I'll rake you losers over the coals later. I need to see my son brunched and airported back home," she said with a sniff. Nose held high, she got up from the table and grabbed Junior's tail to drag him out with her.

Then Shellhead jumped into the doorway, blocking her way.

"Wait, my Queen. I have discovered a dark and terrible secret of this land. There exists a hat which is so powerful that should it fall into evil hands-" Shellhead reported, then was kicked in the face.

"You still don't work here," Bowsette growled, stepping on him as she stomped through the doorway. Junior blew a raspberry as he was dragged out into the hallway. Whether it was at Shellhead or the bosses they could not say.

**X X X**

The airport had a good restaurant attached to it, Bowsette admitted. It had a country kitchen theme. Currently she was enjoying a sausage salad while Junior was eating a triple breakfast burger.

"So honey, did you have a good time?" she asked.

"The best!" he cheered around a mouthful.

"Don't talk your mouth full Junior, it wastes food," she chastised him while smiling. He swallowed, then spoke.

"But there's one thing I wanted to do we didn't," he admitted.

"Well, there's always next time."

"I wanted to see you steal something all villainously," Junior sighed.

Bowsette frowned, and then nodded. It wasn't much, and she'd do anything for her little monster. Tapping her chin, she looked around for something to steal. The bric-a-brac on the walls? No. The cash register? No. The antique pioneer hat on display in the waiting area? No.

Then she saw it, an elegant top hat worn by an important-looking guy with a really big mustache talking to some other important people who also had mustaches. Though theirs were smaller and some of them were women.

"Junior, watch your mom be awesome and get ready to run for the Clown Pot. It's time to get you another souvenir!" she cackled, cracking her knuckles and gashing her teeth hard enough to make sparks. She handed Junior her Best Mom hat and got up from the table.

"Hurray!" he cheered. Whistling unsuspiciously, Bowsette sidestepped casually across the dining room to stand behind the little guy with the big mustache. She froze as he turned to look up at her raising an eyebrow.

"Can I help you with something, Miss?" he asked politely.

'Crap, I never planned for this!' Bowsette thought.

"…Ha!" she yelled, snatching the hat off his head, revealing a single white hair curled atop his head.

The whole restaurant gasped as she put it on her head.

"Okay Junior, time to-GJHALGHALG!" Bowsette yelled as mystic energy surged out of the top hat into her, making her practically dance around on the spot spouting gibberish.

Junior grabbed the notebook from where Bowsette had left it on the table and flipped through it to find what he needed. With a smile, he checked "See Momma Dance" off the list while she continued to jitter aroind from the magical energy surge.

_Mushroom Kingdom, The Mario House, Not Too Long After Then:_

Mario whistled as he walked out into a glorious morning, the fresh flowers already dancing and the green hills practically gleaming under a sky where clouds looked down benevolently. Reaching the end of his garden path, he pulled the mail out of the mailbox and tucked it under one arm, which grabbed the paper, shaking it out of the sleeve and unfolding it.

"Wow!" he said, holding it up folded. A bold headline declared LAND OF HATS CONQUERED!. Beneath it was a picture of Bowsette with a smug fang-filled grin, holding up her hands in a double victory sign. Unfolding the paper, he saw a second bold line under the picture adorned the frontpage.

'COME AT ME MARIO' it read.

"Mama Mia," Mario sighed, putting a hand to his face. He had really thought they were done with that Super Crown stuff.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Another chapter down._

_And so a nation falls top Bowsette! Next time, Bowsette seeks to get things leveled_ _up for Mario's inevitable heroic arrival!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Mario, Pac-Man, other referenced games, or Bowsette.

_Betaed by_: Zim'mostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 5

_Leveling Up:_

_The Untold Story of Production_

"Bwahahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, reclining in her throne. Literally reclining, as the chair she was using was a recliner. The actual Hat Throne had not been made with tails in mind, and apparently without the size considerations for someone of her stature. So after throwing the old throne out a fancy window, she had her favorite recliner from the _Queen's Pride_ put in its place.

"You were right, Lamek, starting small was the key to success," Bowsette chuckled, crossing her legs and tilting the Top Hat so she could see her wizard standing by the throne.

They were in the throne room of Top Hat Castle, an ornate structure that was pretty par the course for a good kingdom. Save that all the stain-glass windows held images of hats. Statues of hats also adorned the edge of the room. And behind where they stood was a great stain glass widow depicting the royal hat Bowsette now wore.

"Yes, that was the plan," Lamek managed to say with a sigh.

"And with this baby on, I turned off any hats I wanted. Heheh, without their magic hats it was simple to take control of this country. Though they insist I'm not the Queen despite taking over. Apparently there're rules on how to be royalty here, so maybe that's for the best?" Bowsette mused, leaning forward in the recliner to sit up straight.

"You know, as the one with the power, you don't really have to-"

"I can make up my own badass title! Great idea, glad I thought of it… Bowsette Koopa, Supreme Tyrannical Overlady of the Land. I like the sound of it. Decree it so, write up paper or such, lackey," she said to one of the Koopa guards loitering in the throne room, "Now then, Mario will be along to foil me."

"Especially since you specifically called him out," Lamek muttered.

"Exactly. Summon the Bosses, it's time to level up! Bwahahaha!" Bowsette cackled.

"…I know Larry is going over the treasury records. Do you know where the others are?" Lamek asked.

"Ugh, minions, find them!" Bowsette commanded.

"First time dong this?" the King of the Land of Hats asked from inside his cage hanging from the ceiling.

"No! Um, kind of. Shut up!" Bowsette said, stomping out of the room.

_Later:_

Bowsette, Lamek, and the Bosses stood in the chart room, which was lined with shelves holding charts and charts hung on walls. With the big table at the center covered with a model map of the Land of Hats.

"Gaze upon it, the sweet fruits of conquest! Now to divide it up, to rule and defend from would-be liberators," Bowsette chuckled, wringing her hands menacingly.

"I want to rule the big city! I'm a city girl," Anger said.

"You were born on Koopa Troopa Beach. I should know, I was there," Rage remarked dryly, eating an apple.

"At heart, a city girl at heart. There, happy now, Rage?" Anger huffed. Rage nodded, earning another huff from her twin. Bowsette ignored their antics, moving on.

"Okay, Fedora City goes to Anger. Lamek, you'll be here with me in the castle province, district, thingy."

"I AM SHELL!"

"It's the coast for you," Bowsette decided.

"I wouldn't mind the forest. I have an axe to grind with Mario when he shows up," Rage said with a yawn, before taking another bite of her apple. Bowsette gave the blue-haired Koopa a thumbs up and wrote another name label on the fancy map.

"Guess that leaves Straw Hat Hills for you, Larry. Which, as the least dangerous of our zones, is going to be where Mario invades."

"Your Majesty, you are forgetting this one," Lamek said, pointing to the zone connecting the castle to the forest. Snowcap Mountains.

"I didn't forget it, no one likes ice stages. Not even to be the Boss," Bowsette explained. Everyone looked to Rage as she chewed up and swallowed the apple core. Finishing that, she nodded in answer to the question.

"Well, it's not like Mario will make it that far anyway."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I'll do it!" Shellhead shouted, jumping up and striking a victory pose. Bowsette frowned, grabbed him by the cap, walked over to the nearest window, unlatched it, and threw him out. Leaving it dangling open, she sighed and rubbed her temples.

"No one want to be Boss of an ice stage, no one at all," she lamented, before holding out her left hand dramatically, "Well, anyway. With the Top Hat, I brought society to a halt here, but it also let me activate these!"

…

A Koopa Troopa hustled up and held up a shallow long chest to Bowsette. Frowning, Bowsette snatched the chest and tilted it as she opened it, with magical light flashing.

"Behold the Region Hats! They will give the wearer power over the hats of their designated areas. Wear them with awesomeness," Boswette commanded.

**X X X**

With the Bosses gone to modify their areas into proper levels to stop Mario, Bowsette flung herself on a couch, not regarding the tearing noise as the spikes on her shell ripped it up.

"Ah Lamek, it's good to be the Queen. And I am good at it! I mean, one day I'm committing petty crimes to break their morale, then one weekend later I have overthrown their whole civilization. Your planning was a bit helpful too," she admitted, closing her eyes.

Lamek sighed — he would like to get irritated, but it wasn't like his plan was supposed to end like this. She had taken the unbounded middle, and somehow bounded clear over it. If anything, this might make her worse, he thought.

"I notice you didn't give them any orders regarding the Emergency Hat Boxes," he pointed out.

"Meh, the locals, from generations of soft living, have skulls too soft to activate them. Those hats may be on, but they also may as well be ON the moon. Bwahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, tail wagging.

"And if Mario uses them?" Lamek asked.

Bowsette's eyes snapped open and she sat up, crossing her arms and giving Lamek an annoyed look.

"Well, there aren't any Power Stars or Fire Flowers here, so I guess it balances out," Bowsette shrugged.

"We could try and move them," Lamek suggested.

"Now you're just talking crazy! I mean, that would be like Mario just coming straight to the castle to see if the Princess was in it before doing anything else," Bowsette accused.

"There isn't a princess in the castle this time, Your Majesty. The King's daughter is at the Lady Harber's School for Wayward Girls, for chronic use of necromancy," Lamek said.

"Oh, is that where all those ghosts and zombies outside the castle walls came from? I was wondering about that," Bowsette remarked, settling back down.

**X X X**

Bowsette was meeting with the royal cabinet, because she was bored and they had nothing better to do, hence why there were shackled to the big fancy table.

Bowsette looked over the forms carefully, and set them all on fire with her breath.

"This is more boring than doing nothing! You're all fired!" she said, snapping her fingers for the Koopas to drag them away.

"Oh come now, Your Most Usuperness!" One of the ministers wearing a powdered-wig hat pleaded as his chain was unfastened from the table, "You can't just rule by decree like a tyrant of old, handing down whatever policy strikes your fancy!"

"Think so?" Bowsette smirked, showing off her fangs and cracking her knuckles, "Lamek! Take dictation, it's time to lay down the law on these haberdasher-fixated nerds. They couldn't decide if I was a villain before, well it's time to give them such tyranny that it will knock their useless hats off! Bwahahahahahaha!"

Lamek looked to the ministers as Bowsette was distracted by being maniacal.

"I did warn you not to bore her," Lamek said with a shrug.

"But what can she hope to accomplish with this madness?! The people will never stand for a dictatorship," another minister pleaded.

"Meh, you seem to have plenty of chairs, and she's more negligent than slave-driving as despots go, I think. It could work out," Lamek said, as they were dragged out the door.

"Whew! That was some good cackling. Now for the most evil law code ever devised by Koopa mind. Hmm, I shouldn't have sent all the gang away, they might have had some ideas," the usurper said, crossing her legs as she reclined in her chair.

_Quaint Country Town #5, Straw Hats Hills, Land of Hats:_

A winged Koopa Troopa swept down into the square of the town and climbed to stand on the rim of the well. Pulling out a bugle, he gave a morning call, getting people's attention and rousing some from their houses. Putting away the instrument, the Koopa put his googles up on his forehead and pulled out a scroll which he unrolled.

"Hear ye, hear ye! And listen up! Her Most Usurping Majesty, the Supreme Total Overlady has decreed new laws for you the masses to cower under the weight thereof! The first law of the new regime: the wearing of ducks as hats is hereby banned! The second law: The White Zone henceforth and for all time shall be for the loading and unloading of vehicles only! The third law: From the time of 1:30pm to 2:14pm all parking meters shall be free! The fourth law: On parking meters, a double ticket penalty shall be levied for violations between 2:16pm to 3:00pm! The fifth law: Henceforth on Tuesdays, traffic lights shall mean go when red and stop on green. But only on Tuesdays. Yellow lights not subject to change on Tuesdays or any other day of the week. The sixth law: A special tax of 10% shall be placed on syrup. The seventh law: Turtle soup is now a criminal substance. Use of or possession of shall be considered a felony. The eighth law: All pancakes, flapjacks and hotcakes declared property of the STOL, to be surrendered to her immediately and posthaste with no regard for your convenience. The ninth: No wearing of scarves on Saturdays! The tenth law: from this day forth, a special license shall be required to own or wear red shoes of any shade or style. Does not extend to sandals! Woe and tremble under the weight of the tyranny that has be fallen you all!

"That is all, have a good day," the Troopa said, before putting his goggles back on and flying away, leaving the confused people milling about.

"I find that tyrannical!" one of the citizens yelled out to no one in particular as he went back to work.

**X X X**

Anger adjusted her magical fedora, checking herself in the store's full-length mirror. The hat was a medium brown color, with a darker band that had a small yellow feather the size of her thumb tucked into it.

It really was magical — it had adjusted to accommodate her horns and fit her head perfectly. And she could sort of feel every hat in the region, able to turn them on and off at a whim. But more importantly, she had a hat that suited her perfectly. This was the most prestigious clothing store in Fedora City, and Fedora City was the fashion center of this land. But for all that, she was only wearing the hat and her shell now, because nothing here suited her!

"What's the point of being one of the ones in charge when you can't even assemble a decent outfit?" she asked no one in particular. Her Koopa aide, set apart by his bottle cap glasses and pencil tucked by some nonexistent ear answered anyway.

"They are all shorter than you, Boss Anger. If you want better fits, you should try that store that Boss Rage modeled for," he said. Anger bonked him on the head, scowling deeper.

"Quiet! I'm too big a deal now to be seen shopping big and tall!" the despot's lieutenant asserted, stalking away.

Exiting the empty store, she accepted a clipboard from her aide and looked out over the working Koopas, detonating Bob-ombs, and Goombas being Goombas. Most of the locals had holed up when the construction started. She rolled her eyes — you'd think this was their first occupation by a foreign power.

"Dial these plans here back, lackey. I want these pothole pitfalls to slow Mario down, not force me to have to walk a pretzel just to get to a good coffeeshop. And we need more water obstacles; it's the city, morons, break open some fire hydrants if you have to. And where is my bagel with cream cheese and onion?!" Anger demanded, striking a threatening pose.

_Meanwhile_:

"So, is this good?" the Koopa foreman asked, holding out the level schematics. He stood on the beach with construction whirring around him and stray Bob-ombs being tossed ashore on waves, eliciting screams, panic, and explosions.

"I am Shell!" Shell said as he continued to do reps. He was lying on the bench set up in the midst of the construction site that was once a beautiful but tourist infested beach, and he wasn't even looking at the forms being held out to him. Taking a moment to watch his boss continue to do reps, the foreman shrugged and turned on his megaphone

"Okay, plan's green-lit people!" the foreman announced with the device, walking off to leave Shell to his reps.

_In the Forest:_

Buzzsaws whirled and axes hacked. Trees groaned and fell. Bobcats growled and hard hat-wearing Koopas drank coffee and did crossword puzzles on their breaks. The woods were alive with activity as trees were felled or bent, forming a bizarre maze, and pits were dug and lined with spikes made from felled trees.

Amidst the chaos a trailer was situated, and within that trailer Rage Koopa reclined behind a cheap desk, lining up a dart to her eyes. With a toss, it crossed the room, missing a picture of Mario by a mile and hitting a framed Associates Degree issued by East Dark Land Community College. Rage frowned and got up, adjusting her wool-lined lumberjack hat. The dart had broken the glass, leaving more of the glass in the frame broken than not, while the Mario picture remained undefiled. With a huff, she just stabbed the Mario picture in the nose with another dart.

Leaving the dart there, she went to the coffee machine situated under the wall-mounted blueprint of her level and started filling a coffee cup that read "BEST BOWSER FANGIRL".

"Soon…" she muttered, a tiny smile forming on her face as the black coffee filled the pristine personalized mug.

_Elsewhere_:

High in the mountains, a level was taking shape, one chisel strike at a time, as a figure held in place by a rope struggled not to be buffeted by the winds.

"I! Am! Shellhead!" Shellhead shouted defiantly to the fury of the blizzard.

And Elsewhere Yet Again:

Larry looked over the graph paper, adjusting his straw hat as he examined a room with his gathered foremen. And with a smile, gave a thumbs up.

"And it's in budget too!" he declared.

"Hurray!" they cheered, picking up Larry from Accounting and carrying him like a hero… until they all fell with a cry into one of the recently-finished pits.

…

"It works!" Larry proclaimed.

"Hurray!" there was mush rejoicing at the bottom of that particular pit.

**X X X**

"So, this is the one?" Bowsette asked as she reached back to wax her shell.

She was in the royal suite with the hat décor all covered up with Koopa propaganda posters or pictures of her, including Bowsette's front page picture from the paper having been enlarged and stapled over the official royal portrait of the King. Lamek was standing before where she sat on the royal bed, which was large by local standards, so it worked for her. Beside him, a Hattian homeless person was chained up and sitting on the floor.

"It is," Lamek reported.

"I knew if we did not throw down our hats and use our own heads it would lead to our downfall!" the disheveled man cried out.

"Yep, congrats on that," Bowsette said, giving him a thumbs up as she twisted, trying to get her whole shell.

"I'm not happy about being right!" he snapped.

"Well that's hardly my fault, is it? Jerk who can't take a compliment, " Bowsette snapped back.

"His hard head lifestyle let this one open the hat boxes and he was resisting our rule," Lamek explained.

"Who caught him?" Bowsette asked.

"No one, really. Anger saw him while he was asleep and had him arrested for loitering outside a street cafe she seems to like. Larry caught the record matching him to the wanted posters. And here we are."

"Hmm, I see. Lamek, I have an evil plan to use this failed rebel to destroy Mario!" she announced as she finally reached the hard to reach spot.

"Sigh, you're thinking eleventh hour ally betrayal, aren't you?"

"Hey, Modern Villainy Quarterly says that is in now, so don't knock it. So, Mr. Smelly Man, do you have any loved ones we can use as hostages or should we just resort to brainwashing?" Bowsette asked as she grabbed the polishing brush.

_Quaint Village #1, Straw Hat Hills, Land of Hats, A Plot Convenient Time Later:_

In the town square, the cobblestones started to quake slightly and green magic beautifully sparked in the air, causing the downcast and oppressed Hattians to look to the spot while going about their oppressed day. Then with a pop, a green warp pipe sprouted in the square and a blur of red and blue hopped out.

"Woo hoo! Itsa me, Ma-"

**X X X**

"-RIO!" Bowsette cackled, holding the wide screen crystal ball in her clutches, watching Mario talk with her double agent as he went through Old Man Tutorial's farm. The games had begun in earnest.

"Welcome Mario, to my kingdom of hats and magic. But you do not face the same old Bowser in exciting new packaging, oh no! This time you face Bowsette, and you shall find naught but your DOOM! BWHAHAHAHA!" Bowsette cackled, throwing her head back as pretty light shone in the throne room.

Pausing, she blinked and looked around, glancing at the King playing solitaire in his cage and the local maid mopping the floor.

"Lamek!" she snapped.

"Give it a minute!" the Magikoopa called from out of sight.

The sky darkened and lightning cracked, startling the two locals and setting them to quaking as the castle shook a bit and dramatic music played. Bowsette just frowned and sighed.

"We'll need to work on the timing before Mario gets here. Now fetch me some popcorn!" Bowsette commanded, striking a dramatic pose as Mario leapt around in the image of the crystal ball.

_Dark Land, Bowser's Castle:_

Bowser narrowed his eyes, knowing victory or defeat would be decided by a single move, the difference of a second. Glorious victory or shameful defeat, all turning on a moment.

PING

The ping pong ball struck the edge of the table under Bowser's swing and bounced off across the floor of the rec room.

"That's game, dad," Ludwig stated.

"Best three out of five!" Bowser demanded, swinging his paddle back and forth. Then Kamek burst in.

"My King, Bowsette called. It's time!" he huffed.

"No it isn't, Junior's not due back there until after she defeats Mario," Bowser countered as a Troopa brought the ping pong ball back.

…

…

"Mario's taken the bait!" Bowser realized, crushing the ping pong ball in an unimpressive feat of strength, "The Mushroom Kingdom is defenseless! Ready the Troop! It's time for me to get hitched, and Mario's out of the picture chasing my knockoff of a twin sister or something. BWAHAHAHA!"

…

"WELL!? Get moving!" he commanded every Koopa in earshot as he wrung his hands menacingly next to the ping pong table.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_And so it begins, Mario vs Bowsette! _

_Can he navigate hat themed levels; designed and run by bosses of dubious quality and little if any experience? Will the ally betrayal be as cliche as expected. Will Bowser pull off an offscreen moment of awesome? Will Bowsette binge watch the whole thing with popcorn?!_

_Tune in next time and you may have a question or two answered! _


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer_: I do not own the Mario Franchise, Pacman, or Bowsette.

_Betaed by_: Zim'smostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 6

_Game Start_

_Levels 1 & 2_

One of the worst things about having an airship as a base of operations, Lamek had found out, was lab space. You couldn't really add on to the ship as needed. And the best parts of the ship were taken, and not likely to be repurposed for his needs when his boss desired a separate rec room and game room. Not to mention an employee lounge and separate executive lounge.

And of course, there was the fact the thing was unstable, with its flying about making certain delicate procedures various combinations of impossible and dangerous. Especially when his lab was squeezed near an engine room, with all the noise and vibrations one might expect.

His father had happily told him the job wasn't easy. He still felt his hopes had been dashed, somehow.

But with this conquest, he had been able to take over a royal wizard lab that he could describe as luxurious! Such size, such silence! Such no one opening the door looking for a mop or a green scratch pad for the bulkheads!

The stock was not up to par with the different magic systems, but that was small spuds. So he had been able to catch up on potion making and magic item production. Even done a little dabbling in studying mind controlling hats at Rage's paid commission.

Of course, it likely would not last with Mario now in play, so he was now rushing to fill his final quotas, hunched over a table, delicately mixing a potent Potion of Power.

"LAMEK GET IN HERE!" the Queen's yell startled Lamek into dropping too many drops form the vial into the potion. Purple smoke burst from the cauldron and Lamek had to pull the resulting beard out in clumps as he made his way through the castle. He found Bowsette in the royal den, scarfing down popcorn as she watched the deluxe crystal ball.

"You bellowed, Your Majesty?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's Mario, he's going through Larry's level!" she said, pointing at the ball while talking around stuffed cheeks of popcorn.

"The accountant messed up, did he?" Lamek sighed.

"No! Well, kind of, level one's not supposed to be this epic. I mean, he's got lots of stuff there. Look at that, Mario's having to evade Pac-Man ghosts!" she shouted, gesturing urgently.

"Shh, Majesty, I don't know if we can name names without paying royalties!" he shushed, glancing around.

"Oh, right. Well, he's also got the floating brains that can't be named that suck the life out of you. Oh, and those! Those things, I didn't know they still made those! Ohoho! Get over here and watch this! I love those things," Bowsette squealed, watching what seemed like a tribute piece starring Mario in various alternate realities and alien worlds of their strange universe.

"How did he do that on budget?" Lamek asked in awe, taking a seat next to Bowsette.

**X X X**

Larry was seated behind his desk in his well-organized work trailer when his boss called.

"Recycling," Larry said into his office phone, "Yes, Your Majesty, quite affordable. In fact, for making a level with 75% recycling materials, the organization has been nominated for an eco and fiscal award. Why thank you. Though it doesn't seem to be slowing Mario down much; they aren't working together as well as I hoped. Well, we don't have an underwater area here, so I couldn't use those. But I did direct some to Shell. Me? Well, I was going to use red tape and paperwork.

"Well, got to go. Need to put on my war tie," Larry said. Clipping his red tie off, he put on a game face, and clipped on a black tie.

**X X X**

Mario wiped the sweat off his brow and used the straw hat power-up to fan himself. It let him pass through the tall grass at normal speed and cut down the corn to clear different paths and reveal coins. As power-ups went it was pretty okee-dokey, he thought.

Still, that was pretty hard for a first level, the heroic plumber thought, looking back at the pastiche of various out-of-context stuff and enemies. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen a fire-breathing green Zora!

It seemed like it was clear trails now to the coast, but then the music started to play. A biplane crossed the horizon and landed, rolling to a stop near him, the wind blowing the straw hat away. A Koopa Troopa wearing a black tie stood up in the cockpit.

"Well done, Mario, I should have known heroes would not be thwarted by economic soundness. But while you have beaten those blasts from the past, I offer you something I think you have never faced before. Who am I? I am Larry, and you are about to be accounted for," the Koopa said, sitting back in the cockpit and starting the crop duster up. Riding into the sky, Larry cranked the music up, filling it with country punctuated by the sound of a typewriter.

As the plane passed over, a red banner dropped from the bottom. Mario jumped, avoiding it, but landed on top of it.

"Wow!" Mario exclaimed, finding his feet stuck to the red tape. A Bob-omb landed next to him, already ticking down. With three jumping motions he tore free, but too late to not get caught in the explosion. Some health lost but not out, Mario dusted himself off and adjusted his hat as Larry came around for another pass.

Who would have guessed it, there were two Koopas named Larry, Mario thought.

_Shortly:_

Mario collected the Region Hat from where Larry laid on the ground, stars of unconsciousness flitting around the Koopa's head.

The stacks of paper he had tried to crush Mario with in addition to the Bob-ombs had proven his undoing. All Mario had to do was dodge them, and then using the paper as a platform he had been able, with a bit of aiming, to jump over the duster and onto Larry's head.

It had taken four jumps, and after the first three Larry had started dropping Bob-ombs twice as much opposed to paper and increased his speed. But the extra challenge had not been enough and now here they were in the clean field, with Larry's crashed plane smoldering nearby.

Mario put on the Region Hat now, and gave a victory sign as magic rippled through the countryside.

**X X X**

"We can go back to work now, son!" A farmer cheered as his hat reactivated.

"Meh," his son said, still watching TV. The father sighed, grabbing a hoe and opening a panel to cut off the circuit. An argument ensued as the land rejoiced in its freedom.

**X X X**

But the plumber could not rest on his laurels, Mario knew. There was still a lot of country to liberate.

"Well done, Mario! Rest tonight, and tomorrow will be a day at the beach," Hardhead the Homeless said, popping up from the bush disguise he was apparently wearing.

Mario stretched and popped his back, admitting he had best rest. Hardhead directed him toward a nearby farm under the idea they could get dinner and maybe a bed for the night.

**X X X**

"That was surprisingly impressive," Bowsette said, licking salt from her latest popcorn bowl.

"He still lost," Lamek pointed out.

"Yeah, but that was level one. A very impressive level one. Move him to a window cubicle," Bowsette ordered.

"We don't have cubicles, Your Majesty."

"Then get him a window and he can put it where he likes! I have you so I don't have to puzzle over the office minutia, Lamek. Now, it occurs to me Mario just may reach the castle, so I think I'll go practice my butt-kicking for a bit then head to bed. Now where did all those undead go?" Bowsette muttered, walking off and cracking her knuckles.

**X X X**

Mario had slept well, satisfied with a bit of heroing well done. Now, after a nice breakfast, enjoying the view of the sunrise over Straw Hat Hills, and getting cleaned up from all the level stuff, he was ready to go!

The ocean was beautiful of course, but the beach… less so. While one could glimpse the white sand and surf, the coast was littered with barricades, high-tech stompers, Thwomps, and ramps. And was that a giant mechanical shark lunging in a timed pattern from the water over the beach?

Well, it was the same course regardless, Mario thought, adjusting his hat.

"Here we go!" he declared, leaping down from the rise onto the hazardous beach.

**X X X**

"Wow, that is one big robot shark! And so is that one," Bowsette squeed. Wearing a black robe, she was lounging in the throne, eating a bowl of cereal as Mario's quest played out on the crystal ball.

"Yeah, it's hardly beached theme at all now," Lamek noted sourly.

"Wait, it's a water section! Ha! I know you hate drowning, Mario. Oh no wait, that's Wario's deal. Yeah, that makes sense," Bowsette remarked. Scraping the bottom of the bowl she frowned, and setting her spoon on the armrest grabbed the box of Malevol'Os to pour more of the cereal in.

"Minion, fetch me more milk!" she snapped at a Koopa guard. As he left, she resumed watching Mario struggle with futuristic beach peril.

"It's like a beach from a bad future," Lamek remarked. He turned away as a Shy Guy swooped in and handed him a manila envelope.

"Nah, bad futures are always overcast. I mean, how weird would that be for the world to be overrun will killer robots or the wrong kind of animal people, and it being nice out, making you want to strip down and sunbathe with your feet in a tub of water fresh from the hose," Bowsette said.

Lamek paled as he read the notice in the note.

"I can't believe you can get stuff like this from recycling!" Bowsette cackled, watching Mario battle a trio of giant mutant cyborg enemy crabs.

"You can't," Lamek stuttered.

"Than how did they get in budget?" Bowsette asked as her milk was handed to her. As she took a drink from the carton, Lamek held out the bill for her to see.

Bowsette doused the bill with milk, coughing before she looked at the soaked Magikoopa in horror.

"We don't have that kind of money. Return everything NOW!" she ordered. Explosions sounded from the crystal ball, and they both looked on as Mario cleared the level with a chain reaction, destroying everything and leaving the beach shiny and pristine. As triumphant music played and Mario struck a pose with a robot shark head landing behind him with Xs for eyes, Bowsette took a long drag from her milk.

"Lamek, increase the stupid taxes — if this goes south, we are gong to need a lot of money to run away with. And get Shell on the line! What was he thinking!?" Bowsette screamed with a milk mustache.

**X X X**

Mario climbed the dune, walking confidently but still on full alert for any more traps. Just because it looked like he'd gotten most of them didn't mean he gotten them all. Besides, he was probably getting close to the area's Boss at this point, which probably meant some final line of defense. Like a suddenly collapsing sand pit, or spikes emerging to enclose him, or-

"Huh?" the plumber couldn't help but blurt out as he crested the top of the dune and found himself staring at a huge Koopa sitting a few yards away on a bench, doing reps rather vigorously and seemingly oblivious to his presence.

"Uh, hello?" Mario called out slowly, trying to get the presumed Boss's attention, "It'sa me, Mario!"

"I am Shell!" the Koopa replied, still focusing on his reps. Had he even registered Mario's presence, or was that response some kind of instinct?

**X X X**

"Oh, for crying out loud! Why is he still working out?!" Bowsette exclaimed, throwing her bowl at the crystal ball.

"I'm afraid this might be the cost of hiring purely dumb muscle, Your Majesty," Lamek commented, "Though at the very least, this does explain why he's not answering our calls."

"Who cares?!" Boswette shouted, smacking Lamek upside the head, "Figure out a way to make him fight! And I mean now, before Mario just walks away and embarrasses us all by association with this mess!"

**X X X**

As Mario pondered whether this really was the Boss, a magical puff of smoke appeared over Shell and a black cat fell onto the Koopa's face. After a brief struggle with the cat, Shell tossed it aside and leapt to his feet.

"You dare stop Shell from doing all the reps!? I will show you! I AM SHELL!" the Koopa declared, flexing his muscles. Punching the sand, he reached into it and pulled out a boombox. Taking a moment to brush it off, he pressed the play button and bass heavy boss fight music started to play.

Mario actually felt relief as Shell advanced on him, throwing punches in the air. This he knew how to deal with.

**X X X**

"Well, at least he's tough," Bowsette noted, watching the fight unfold. Shell was slow, and while his hits had power, Mario was running circles around him. But getting far from Shell had its own dangers, as he then picked up barbells and started throwing them at Mario. Far more difficult for Mario to deal with, those attacks were.

And true to form, no matter how many times Mario jumped on Shell's head, it didn't even slow him down.

"It's a stalemate?" Lamek noted.

"If Shell actually captures Mario, I may actually not make him an indentured servant to pay for all that stuff," Bowsette remarked.

They both leaned in as Shell lost his patience and started hopping in place.

"I. AM. SHELL!" He declared, leaping into the air. He came down in an epic ground pound, sending Mario flying with a yell.

Grabbing his hat and dusting it off, Mario looked at the crater and watched Shell barely hop out of it. Narrowing his eyes, Mario smiled and leapt over Shell into the crater. Roaring, Shell hopped again on the crater's lip and ground-pounded down after Mario, who leapt and was pushed up and clear of the crater by the shockwave, whooping.

"Did he just…?" Bowsette asked, staring wide-eyed at the crystal ball an inch from her face as Shell roared, trying and failing to leap out of the crater, and then failing to climb out, because sand.

"Come down here so I can crush you!" Shell yelled. Mario tipped his hat to Shell, and ran around the crater to the Region Hat box by the flagpole. And stopped on his way to turn off the boss fight music.

"Yep," Lamek said.

"That was crap!" Bowsette yelled, kicking the crystal ball away.

It struck the far wall, cracked, sparked, and broke into three chunks. Bowsette and Lamek stood there, looking at the broken magic item for a moment before she turned to glare at him.

"Well, get the backup crystal ball!" Bowsette demanded of Lamek.

"That was the backup. The first one got destroyed during the toast incident, remember?" Lamek reminded her. Frowning, Bowestte grabbed him by the front of her robes and lifted him up to eye level.

"We agreed never to speak of that again, remember?" she growled, baring her fangs. Gulping, Lamek nodded.

"Right then," Bowsette said, dropping Lamek and the scary demeanor.

"You, prisoner king, where are your crystal balls for spying?" she asked.

"We don't have those, they are against our Constitution! All crystal balls are either set up for established channels, or for highly regulated police and scientific purposes! You can't just order them to home in on some random person!" the King objected. He seemed very offended about personal peeping tools, she noted.

"Well in that case, fix it," Bowsette ordered. Lamek glanced over and watched one of the pieces break in half as it laid there.

"Fix it?" he sadly repeated.

"Yeah, magic it up or something," Bowsette said waving her arms angrily.

**X X X**

"That's not magic at all!" Bowsette roared. She had gone to get changed into a gown and get ready for the day, more accurately afternoon, after binge-watching Mario's adventure.

And this was what she came back to. The crystal ball had been glued and taped back together. So much duct tape she could barely see the static playing on it.

"Well, I'm not skilled at making crystal balls," Lamek retorted. Bowsette picked up the crystal ball and shook it. The static remained unchanged.

"Well, then get someone who can," Bowsette snapped.

"Who?" Lamek asked. They both turned and looked to the caged king.

"*Sigh* I may know some guys," the King admitted.

**X X X**

"Let the ritual of crystal ball repair commence!" the leading robed figure declared dramatically. While Bowsette smiled on her throne, Lamek facepalmed.

"I thought you weren't hardly even wizards, Dave," Lamek said to the lead mysterious robed figure.

"Utter not such names amongst the uninitiated! And the Municipal Guild of Ancient Wizards are certified by three community magic colleges in magical artifact repair," Mysterious Dave said, whipping out a framed certification with a wizard's hat illustrated on it.

"It's not an artifact. They make them in the Mushroom Kingdom," Bowsette pointed out.

"Technicalities! Leave us! We shall set right the magic that has been misplaced," Mysterious Dave declared.

Grabbing Lamek and the King's cage, Bowsette exited as they started to gather around the abused crystal ball.

_Five Hours Later:_

Bowsette tapped her chin as she looked out over the grand entrance hall, now riddled with Thwomps, undead, and pitfalls.

"Okay, so hard enough to give Mario trouble. But not so hard I need to climb in and out of windows to get the king's mail. Well done!" she congratulated the foreman Koopa. Her hearty smack to the back sent him falling down the pit in front of them, screaming as he went. Until he stopped.

"Oops! Hey, you alive?!" she called down, cupping her mouth with her hands.

"Yes, I missed the spikes. …There are only three down here, Your Majesty!" he yelled back up.

"What?! Is someone embezzling spikes? Wait, do I punish them for stealing or is that evil initiative to be rewarded?" Bowsette wondered, tapping her chin.

"My Queen," Lamek said, teleporting behind Bowsette. With a yelp, she stumbled forward and fell into the pit.

"Lamek!" she shouted up from the pit, "We have a spike issue. I want every pit in the castle inspected pronto!"

"Very good. The hacks say they're done with your crystal ball!" Lamek called back down.

"Yeah!" Bowsette cheered, leaping back up and almost landing on Lamek.

**X X X**

"That will be four-hundred ninety nine gold and ninety nine coppers, Your Majesty."

"You just replaced the duct tape with scotch!" Bowsette screamed, pointing at the crystal ball.

"Yes, it wasn't easy," Mysterious Dave said, the others muttering.

"Dungeon! Dungeon for you all! I hope you like being a sidequest! The prize will be nothing but an alternate outfit that does NOTHING!" Bowsette ranted, shaking her fist as the "wizards" were dragged away.

"Yet it seems to actually be working," Lamek remarked, turning the crystal ball on.

"Really!?" Bowsette said, swiping him aside to loom over the crystal ball. Sure enough, it was swirling with smoke or whatever inside, awaiting commands.

"Mhm! Oh crystal ball, off the wall, you can't see all, but my order ain't so tall! To make go wow, now, show: MARIO!" Bowsette recited the incantation.

'Showing, Wario,' the words appeared as an image started to form.

"What, no! Not Wario! Mario! That's like a hundred points in charisma and pounds difference!" Bowsette objected. But heedless of the Queen, the image formed, showing a bathroom with a steaming tub. And Wario walked into sight, humming a jaunty tune, wearing nothing but a towel.

"NOOOO!" Bowsette screamed. Eyes blazing with fire, she slammed her fist on the taped crystal ball. The image vanished, the crystal ball ignited with fire, and lightning surged across it.

"Huh?" Bowsette and Lamek asked in sync.

BOOM

Bowsette blinked as she peeled herself off the blackened wall, leaving a cute silhouette of herself there. Spotting a dark lump next to her, she grabbed it and shook the soot off. Lamek coughed, and she dropped him to the ground.

"Look!" Bowsette said, pointing to the crystal ball which now shone, shiny like new and whole. Without prompting, it showed Mario walking down a city sidewalk.

"And you said I couldn't solve all my problems by hitting them," Bowsette admonished the wizard.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_This took far too long for such a short chapter. Hope it proved enjoyable anyway. Next chapter the Twins strike!_

_Long days and pleasant nights._


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Mario, Bowsette or any of the video games referenced in this story.

_Betaed by:_ Zim'smostloyalservant

* * *

Chapter 7

_Double Trouble_

_Levels 3 & 4_

Mario adjusted the fedora hat he was wearing as he made his way down the sidewalk. His friend said it was a City Slicker hat, and sure enough it had been useful in letting him use taxis, doors, and bypass the fuzzy ropes. Still odd for magic, Mario thought. It was as if these power-ups had not been especially well thought out.

The level had stunning scenery, but it had not been very remarkable. The traffic red light-green light was the only really notable mechanic. The well-dressed Goombas he counted more with the scenery. Overall he'd give it a C. Mediocre.

But now there were no enemies or obstacles in front of him as he entered the theater district. Which, along with the change in music from city swinging to slow build rock, indicated something big was coming up. Only one theater was lit up, and its marquee read "Anger Koopa vs Mario! BOSS FIGHT". With his fedora, he slipped under the fuzzy rope and bypassed the hulking bouncer to get through the door.

The lobby was empty, a bass heavy soundtrack playing from the speakers as he crossed it toward the empty ticket booth. Mario looked over the framed posters, all of which were featuring the redheaded Koopa girl in homages to famous movies.

"Angry." Showing her with boxing gloves and black eyes.

"Koopa Wars." Showing her in white robes holding a red lightsaber overhead.

"Free Chompy!" Showing her on a rocky outcrop holding up a fist as a Chain Chomp jumped overhead.

"Shy Hard: Payback." Showing half her face gasping in black and white next to an image of the Mushroom Castle with its towers aflame.

"Silence All Phones During Performances!" Showing her breathing at the viewer in fury.

"Mama Mia," Mario shook his head. As if the billboards declaring this one Koopa the mayor, star baseball player, top model, MMA champion, top lawyer, and iron chef hadn't been enough of a clue. Bowser seemed to have fresh competition for ego size among the Koopa Troopa.

Finally, Mario passed the ticket booth and followed the sign arrows to the theatre door, where a Koopa dressed like an usher stood with flashlight at the ready. Without a word, he opened the door for Mario, letting him pass.

The theatre was dark as Mario entered. He squinted, adjusting his hat, wishing he had a Fire Flower, but there had been no time for that invasive species to take root here.

"MARIO!" a voice boomed on speakers, "SO YOU HAVE NAVIGATED MY CITY OF TREACHEROUS TRAPS! CONQUERED GRIDLOCK AND ROAD RAGE! AND SURPASSED THE LOCKED DOORS AND FUZZY ROPES OF SOCIAL INEQUITY! SO NOW, ON THE GREATEST STAGE THIS CITY HAS TO OFFER, THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED…"

…

"Eh?" Mario asked the darkness.

"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?" she roared, as flames ignited and neon lights blazed on.

Anger was standing on a stage, adorned with fire and neon images of Koopa Troopas that were likely supposed to be menacing as they held spears, Bob-ombs, swords, and one dressed like a pirate with a cutlass and eyepatch.

On the stage itself, Anger was jamming away on an electric guitar dressed for hard rock, wearing a spike-studded vest and knee-high black boots with spikes protruding from the soles. Banging her head, she sang about Mario being a hero to one side and a designated protagonist to another. Mario ignored the singing as it started to wax on about beaches and Anger's apparently undying hatred for seagulls and whales. Instead, he ran steadily down the aisle and jumped onto the stage.

Hitting the stage, a spotlight clanked on and tracked him as he approached Anger, who was shooting fire out of her guitar, drawing an image of Bowser's face in the air while praising the Koopa King. Mario drew close, holding up his dukes and ready to jump. Anger jammed on, eyes closed as she shredded at the guitar quicker than Mario could track, and began to shriek. Blinking, Mario jumped over the rocking Koopa and ground-pounded.

BRASKINKSNAP

Mario got up and looked in puzzlement at the stunned Koopa woman with stars circling her head, her guitar crushed under her.

"Eh?" Mario asked.

"Curse my own awesome. Rage was right, I do rock too hard! Erk," Anger gasped, before passing out, her tongue rolling out in a most undignified manner.

With a thump, the main lights came on and the fires died down. A duo of Koopa Troopas ran onto the stage, one pushing a dolly. Stopping by Mario, they loaded the Koopa Boss onto the dolly and rolled her offstage. As Mario watched, other Koopas broke down the set, paying the confused plumber no mind. But as the pirate Koopa neon prop was rolled away, the flagpole was revealed and the fedora Region Hat was hung atop it.

He could not help but feel this level was poorly engineered.

**X X X**

"That… was disappointing," Lamek remarked. Bowsette didn't answer, at least in words. As he quirked an eyebrow, Bowsette stopped air-guitaring and ad-libbing lyrics to clear her throat.

"Yeah, she didn't even get to finish the song. We can sell albums to recover the expenses for Shell! It's gonna be huge! We'll start a band. Of course I'll be the head singer and drummer. Rage can do something. Larry will be the long-suffering manager, and Shell can't be in the band because he sucks. But he can be the roadie and beat off all the guys trying to get me to acknowledge their…" Bowsette went on as Lamek left to get a sandwich.

The caged king for his part was humming the tune. He wondered if it would be possible to buy the album when it came out? ir would that not be fitting with his civic duties. Such were the burdens of leadership.

**X X X**

Mario stepped out of the taxi and waved goodbye for now to his friend. Turning his back on the paved road, the mustached hero looked up at the forest looming over him. It was well-leafed and needled, with soaring trees. Not a haunted-looking forest, but it was the next obstacle.

He frowned, putting a hand to his ear. Was that the sound of chainsaws? He had been told this was a protected natural area. Had Bowser taken a level in eco-villain, Mario wondered with a frown? Setting foot on the packed dirt trail before him, the city skyline to his back, Mario entered Lumberjack Woods.

He hoped this level would be less awkward than the last.

**X X X**

Bowsette flicked her tail as she sat on the throne, watching Mario enter the forest. Tapping the crystal ball she was holding, she brought up Rage, who was throwing an entire apple into her mouth.

"Wkello," Rage greeted her around the apple the blue haired koopa was chewing.

"Rage! Your sister rocks hard, but she failed to stop Mario!" Bowsette yelled. Rage nodded, jaws visibly working on the apple.

"So, STOP MARIO!" Bowsette declared pointing dramatically. With a visible bulge in her throat, Rage swallowed.

"Okay," Rage agreed.

"…Did you swallow the apple core too?" Bowsette asked her finger drooping.

"It's tasty," Rage replied.

"…That is cool. NOW GET TO WORK!" Bowsette roared before hanging up.

**X X X**

Mario walked through the forest, appreciating its beauty but wondering if he had somehow missed the level part of it. He had been told the Koopa that was the forest's boss was Anger's twin, so maybe it would be another odd level?

Really, Bowser was not in good form this adventure.

A massive chainsaw rammed through a tree to his right, sending the pine plummeting toward him.

"Wooow!" Mario yelled, dodging it, and after it impacted jumping on top. The massive chainsaw retracted, and a crane arm loomed through the gap, a Koopa woman with short blue hair and red eyes glaring down at him as she perched on the ball over the hook, holding her balance with one hand.

Then she took a very big yawn.

"Took you long enough… Mario. I am Rage Koopa. And I hate you," she introduced herself with a dull tone.

"Eh?" Mario said, tilting his head.

"I won't bore you with backstory. But I will kill you. This level will be game over for you. Make it far enough, and I'll get my own shell dirty to do it," she declared in a tired monotone. With a lifting gesture, the crane screeched and she was hauled up and away out of sight, letting Mario turn his attention to the level made of trees fallen and placed at various bizarre patterns.

**X X X**

The level was very different from the city, Mario had to admit. The trees were arranged to keep things tight. There were pits lined with wooden spikes everywhere. And Koopa lumberjacks either kept dropping trees toward him or cutting off individual branches to send beehives down.

Though for the beehives and branches, if Mario had the lumberjack hat, he could deflect them by timing the jump right, sending them crashing down on the Koopas. And using the axe, he got to cut through a few of the wooden obstacles.

Though was it just him, or were there fewer power-up boxes than usual?

Snowcap Peak, Meanwhile!:

Shellhead grit his teeth as he pulled the floating bundles of question mark blocks up the slope through the blizzard.

"I am Shellhead!" he roared his defiance.

**X X X**

Mario shrugged as he entered a clearing and the music changed. It was probably just his imagination.

A massive crate big enough to hold a truck slammed down in front of Mario. Mario exclaimed, jumping back, then advanced toward it curiously. The crane arm lowered into sight, with Rage perched like before.

"I see you're still inconsiderately alive. Well, in that case, you can face the TIMBERWOLF!" she said in a normal tone instead of her monotone, flashing a fang-filled smile of doom.

Nothing happened.

Mario tilted his head and, holding that nightmare face, Rage turned to look at the crate.

"I said, TIMBERWOLF," she repeated.

…

"One sec," she said, her face snapping back into its usual expression. Leaping off the crane, she landed on top of the crate and started pounding her foot on it.

"Hey, Ritsuko, wake up!" she demanded, seemingly calmly.

Mario wondered if it was this lot's first time doing a job like this.

Finally, the lid facing Mario fell out and away, revealing an empty crate that was missing the opposite lid. Mario, and Rage when she ducked her head over to look, saw clear through the crate to the forest beyond.

"I guess teaching a diredog to use a chainsaw and tying one to its head was not as foolproof a plan as I thought," Rage admitted, standing back up and pouting. Snapping her fingers, she called the crane arm over to hers and hopped back on.

"Well, no Miniboss for you, Mario. I am going to go look for my dog," she said as she menacingly rose out of sight, shaking a bag of dog treats she pulled out from somewhere.

Shaking his head, Mario continued through the forest.

**X X X**

"Huh, I didn't know we were doing Minbosses," Bowsette stated.

"Our beautiful forest," the king lamented.

"We weren't, my Queen. And it seems we still aren't," Lamek pointed out, "How does one lose a a diredog with a chainsaw on its head, anyway?"

_Earlier, Snowcap Peak:_

"YAAAAAAAGGGHHH! Obey me!" Shellhead screamed as a giant wolf-like creature with an oversized chainsaw tied to its head with a rope chased him up the slope.

**X X X**

"Who cares? It's not important," Bowsette shrugged. Watching Mario navigate the intricate assault on environmentalism, a thought occurred to her.

"Did we budget for this?" she asked.

"I'm so glad you asked, Your Majesty. Even with Project TIMBERWOLF, we came in barely in budget for this level."

"'Barely in budget'! That means it was in budget! Woohoo! Bring me booze!" She cheered, kicked back on the throne.

"Maybe we should wait until the Boss battle, Your Majesty?" Lamek said.

"I'll take a Rob Roy now, if you don't mind?" the king asked, sitting in his cage.

**X X X**

Mario was actually hoping he was reaching the end of this level. It had proven far more difficult and lengthy than the previous ones, and that was with the Miniboss fight having been cancelled. This Rage certainly threw together a better level than her sister.

Reaching a clearing, Mario was relieved when the music blaring in the forest changed to the song that accompanied Rage. Time for the Boss fight, he thought, straightening his hat as logs fell around, forming barriers and platforms.

The crane arm lowered into sight, Rage perched on it.

"…Die," Rage said, jumping into the air and pulling into her shell.

Without further preamble, she started ricocheting off the walls, forcing him to dodge. When she finally came to a stop, instead of stepping out her tail extended and stabbed the ground for an axis, and she started to spin herself. A blue aura engulfed her shell, and freezing cold started to erupt from the head hole as she spun wild. She nailed him, citing him one hit for the ice and another for when she struck him, knocking him free.

After a few rounds of dodging, he realized he could use the lumberjack hat to cut through portions of the arena, clearing small spaces Rage would be trapped in, ricocheting until she stepped out of her shell, standing dizzily. At which point he jumped on her head.

But after three times, she pulled out a chainsaw, affixed it to her tail, and revved it up.

"Wow!" Mario exclaimed as she started to ricochet with greater effect, even keeping the chainsaw waving around while trying to freeze him. But one drawback for her was, even though the chainsaw let her cut her way out of the boxes, it also at times got stuck at random times she hit wood, forcing her out of her shell to try and pull it free. Which let him jump on her head.

"You are annoying," she declared, rubbing her head under the Region Hat as she leapt back after the sixth blow to her head. Reaching behind her beak, she pulled out three more chainsaws, one in each hand, one in her mouth, and still one held by her tail! With some impressive balance and footwork, she revved up all four chainsaws and launched herself against him.

"YOOWWWW!" Mario said, desperately jumping around. She was less ricocheting now than cutting through everything as she chased him out of the arena, bouncing around and surrounded by chainsaw blades.

At last, Mario realized the potential downfall, tricking her into cutting down a tree and then backtracking, luring the buzzsaw Koopa into being smacked into the ground like a nail by a hammer.

Leaning against the massive fallen tree, Mario wiped some sweat off his brow. Three modes, that surely meant the end of that Boss fight.

Sure enough, he saw the flagpole and made his way toward it. But touching it, instead of a triumphant tune, a deep rhythmic beat started to drop, and as he watched the banner changed into a Koopa banner bearing the Bowsette crest.

The ground rumbled and cracked. Mario ran toward the trees as the grass and roots were torn up while the ground was ripped asunder. The Bowsette banner rose high into the air, lifted by the emerging mass as two steel smokestacks began to spew exhaust.

A wooden mecha towered over Mario, its cylindrical head level with the treetops. A light clicked on in the cockpit, revealing Rage, head bandaged but still wearing the Region Hat, working levers. The wooden humanoid body opened several panels. And the joints also shifted, all revealing…

That it was a mecha made of wood, AND CHAINSAWS!

"Lumberjerk Unit 0, mission 1. Kill Mario," Rage said over the speaker.

"YOWWW!" screaming, Mario ran through the forest from the mass of wood and chainsaws bearing down on him.

**X X X**

"How'd that fit in the budget?" Bowsette demanded as they watched Mario take to the branches and canopy to flee and counterattack against the advancing Boss of Doom.

"She made it herself. Wood from the cutting, and apparently Larry secured her quite a number of coupons for chainsaws," Lamek said as the epic battle of plumber vs wood played out.

"Hmm, you know, this level wasn't much good," Bowsette concluded.

"…How?" Lamek demanded, trying to sound polite.

"That level was too hard! Not enough blocks for one. It's not like it's a final level. And whoever heard of a Level Boss having a four stage fight? Rage is getting too big for her nonexistent pants! Acting like she's Final Boss material or in Dark Souls with her super cool death mech. Hmm, also, isn't this a bit more kill-y than we normally do?" she noted as Mario evaded chainsaws to climb the wooden portions of the mecha to ground pound its head.

"Yeah, it is pretty kill-y," Lamek agreed. As they watched, the mecha exploded, sending its head and Rage flying.

**X X X**

After the rain of chainsaws stopped, Mario fanned himself with the lumberjack hat. He was really hoping it was over. Then he noticed a rapidly-spreading shadow had fallen over him.

With a frantic long jump, he made it clear before the wooden mecha head crashed into the ground, its window popping out and its flagpole bent askew. Rage tumbled out and stood dizzily.

"I hate you… Bowser best villain!… Immaagonnabednow," the blue-haired bandaged Koopa muttered, before face-planting. She retracted into her shell and started snoring, leaving the Region Hat on the ground.

Tiptoeing up to the beaten Koopa, Mario grabbed the hat and gave a whispered victory cry.

**X X X**

Bowsette watched Mario leave the forest and start a little cinematic with their mole. He had orders to waylay Mario in a minoboss fight, but Bowestte didn't like his chances. Yes, Mario was going to be coming to her plundered front door, and wearing some darn nice hats while doing it.

Chuckling from deep in her chest, Bowsette dramatically adjusted the Top Hat on her head, before throwing her head back.

"Well, it's time for him to meet his doom! Khahahahaha!" Bowsette cackled maniacally. She looked around the throne room, and slumped while still leaning back with her face toward the ceiling.

"Lamek! I thought we fixed the lightning effect!?" the Queen demanded and pouted at the same time.

"We did-" *KCRASHTHUNDER* "There it is," Lamek answered.

"Ugh, we really need to get this final level into shape," Bowsette groaned, still in her dramatic pose.

**X X X**

Bowser cackled in his rented-for-the-month castle as he wrung his claws, watching the green clad plumber make his way through the latest world on a deluxe size crystal ball. Glancing to the right of his throne, he frowned as Peach sat in the giant bird cage, reclining in her chair and reading a thick book.

"Hey! Shouldn't you be feeling menaced?" Bowser demanded.

"Oh right, sorry! Ahem... You'll never get away with this, Bowser!" she said, getting up, putting the book away, and pulling her hair out of a ponytail.

"Ha! I already have! Why, even as he struggles to undo my scheme, your hero inadvertently moves to unlock a still greater power that I shall use to not only crush him and then the world; but will let me at last win your pure heart! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Fiend! Mario will stop you!"

...

...

"Um, Peach?"

"Yes, I know it's Luigi this time," she huffed, rolling her eyes.

"You know, he's not doing half-bad. I mean, those epic boss fights, the new love interest which has been written in such a non-awkward manner, sweet power spread..." Bowser counted off these good points on his claws.

"Bowser, please, it's still Luigi."

"Dang."

"Oh, I'm not saying he's not doing well. Just that, well, if it were Mario..." Peach explained with wave of her hand.

"I repeat, dang. Well, I'm going to get tacos, you want anything?" Bowser asked getting off his throne and stretching.

Junior rolled his eyes at the banter while he laid in the corner painting on paper laid out on the floor. His level hadn't been hit yet so he'd mostly been waiting and increasingly bored.

He hoped his mama was having more fun than him right now. Hopefully Luigi would at least give him a god fight.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

_Another short chapter. Sorry it took so long, RL has been strange to my writing and I have been working on stories both old and new lately. I also am hoping to get one of my original stories rolling again after some lovely feedback from a coworker on one of my originals. _

_Anyway, now that mArio has conquered the twin terrors, he's off to the final level! What will happen when Mario and Bowsette face off for the fate of the Land of Hats?! Qill Luigi prevail over Bowser's insidious schemes?! Will Peach eat a Taco!? _

_FIND OUT! Next time._

_Long day and pleasant nights to you all._


End file.
